


and then maybe you'll remember me when I'm gone

by Balthamos



Series: ...and I almost thought that I could change the past, and I almost, but that never really lasts... [2]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Discussions of suicide attempt, Eventual Smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Mention of scars, References to Depression, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2020-12-07 18:50:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20980679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: It's time for Matteo to go home. Being away at his grandmother's farmhouse has done him good, but he can't hide there forever.He needs to go back to Berlin.He's starting uni, getting his life back on track, reconnecting with his friends. And maybe, just maybe, he'll see David again...





	1. that's all I could ever want

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the counterpart to all of my goodness, some scenes will be the similar but from Matteo's point of view, but a lot will be new.  
I don't know how long it will be yet, but I've got most of it written already.

Matteo sat propped up against the wall of the stables, staring out across the fields, down towards the dark, imposing forest that surrounded the farmland. As a small child he'd been terrified of it, petrified of the imaginary and the real creatures within its trees. He wouldn't go anywhere near it without his grandfather holding his hand. 

When he'd first come back here, when his grandmother had shown up at his father's fancy Rome apartment and bundled him into her truck, yelling at her son about what a disgrace he was, he'd thought about the forest again for the first time in years. 

Two days later he walked into the trees for the first time in his life, no longer afraid. There was nothing scary in there, not compared to what was in his head. He walked in with no plan of coming back, he was just going to disappear and be done with it all. Hours later his grandmother, equal parts furious and terrified, found him standing at the edge of the river. 

He hadn’t even turned around.

“I just want to disappear,” he'd told her, “I don't want to exist anymore.” 

“Let me help you,” she’d begged, gripping his arm so tight it hurt. 

She’d seemed so distressed, it confused him, but he allowed her to lead him back to the house. 

He slept for six days on and off, and when he finally woke there was a therapist waiting to speak with him. 

It had taken a long time, and it had been hard, so hard. He'd wanted to give up the entire time, but slowly, slowly, the fog had started to lift, and he'd been able to get out of bed for more than an hour a day. He'd been able to talk with his grandmother, about everything. Silly small stuff and the heavier stuff too. He began to help out on the farm, it was hard work, exhausting most days, but he enjoyed it. Keeping busy helped him. Spending time with the horses was the best part, most evenings he’d end up at the stables.

Slowly the forest became scary again, and he knew he was moving past the episode. 

Now as he watched it he shuddered, not quite believing how far he'd dared walk into it. 

"Are you afraid?" his grandma asked, sitting down beside him. 

“Terrified, he admitted.

She sighed and patted his knee. 

“It'll be ok patatino, everything is in place, you’ve just gotta take it step by step, day by day. When your days are too much just focus on the hour,” she told him. 

“And when the hours are too much focus on the minutes,” Matteo said, repeating what she’d told him over and over.

He rested his head on her shoulder and she patted it gently.

“Exactly,” she said. 

“Nonna?” 

“Mmm?”

“I'm not scared of that, I'm almost excited to go back, I love it here I really do but I’m ready to go back,” Matteo admitted.

“Then what are you afraid of?” she asked gently.

She moved so that he had to sit up and face her.

“What if I see him?” he asked quietly.

“David?”

Matteo nodded, closing his eyes.

“Well maybe it would be a good thing,” she said reaching out, taking hold of his face and lifting it gently.

Matteo frowned.

“What?” he asked.

“Matteo you talk of David a lot, it’s clear you’re still in love with him,” she said.

Matteo nodded.

“I know it's fucking stupid ok?” he mumbled, “I know I knew him like literal weeks but I can't help it,” he said. 

She stood up and reached out, he stood up and took her hand. They walked past the stables out toward the fields. They walked in silence for a while, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Matteo knew she what she was going to ask, she was giving him time to think.

“Well what do you love about him?” she asked, eventually.

“Everything,” he whispered.

She just raised an eyebrow.

They’d reached a hay bale. Matteo climbed up and then helped her join him. From up there he could stare out across the land, the sloping fields bathed in the golden light of the low afternoon sun. He would miss it here.

“I loved his smile, his laugh, the way he held me so gently. We had so much fun together, when I was with him I swear it was the first time I'd laughed in years, everything felt right with him. Nonna he understood me, he just knew me,” Matteo told her.

She smiled at him, as he fidgeted, playing with his sleeves.

“How do you mean?” she asked.

Matteo closed his eyes and leaned back on the straw, digging his fingers in, remembering.

“I don’t even know how to explain it, but he was so easy to talk to. He listened to me nonna, he wanted to hear me, and when I didn’t want to talk he didn’t get annoyed you know? He still wanted to spend time with me, even when I was in a bad mood, or just staring off into space. It was just beautiful with him,” he said.

“Then it's not stupid ok? How could you not fall in love with someone like that? Patatino there’s no minimum time on love. You know I met your grandfather when I was twelve years old? He was from the town, but he’d been out on his horse and he’d had a fall. He broke his leg, so I sat with him while your great uncle Frankie ran back to get my father. He was in so much pain, crying and distressed, so I sang to him to keep him calm.”

Matteo loved this story, his grandfather had told him many many times. He’d fallen in love with his grandmother right there and then, and for the rest of his life. His grandparents were probably the reason he still believed in love, his parents had hardly been a good example of a healthy relationship. Somedays he couldn’t believe his father was related to them.

“Then he stayed at the farm right?”

“For a whole month until his leg was healed, I read to him everyday, practising for school. He was older remember? Nearly fourteen, but he listened so politely,” she told him.

Matteo laughed.

“Is that when you fell in love with him? While he stayed with you?” he asked.

“No, I didn’t fall for him until I was twenty two, but he loved me since his fall,” she said.

“You made him wait,” Matteo said.

She shook her head laughing.

“No no, your grandfather was so shy. It took him ten years to confess his love,” she said.

“Wow how oblivious were you?”

“Hush your mouth, I didn’t know him all that well you see. He never came back to the farm, he wanted to but he lived in the town. His parents didn’t like him mingling with the farm kids-” 

“They sound like papa,” Matteo said.

“They were,” she agreed, “One day he just showed up. Blushing and stammering and asking if he could take me to the fair,” she said.

“Did you go?”

She smiled fondly at the memory.

“Of course,” she said.

“And?”

“He was so quiet, like you patatino. But I was patient and I got him talking, and boy did he have a lot to say. People thought your nonno wasn’t very bright, because he was so quiet, but he was fascinating, he had so much to say, he’d just been waiting for someone to listen. By the end of the night I knew, this was the man I would love.”

“I miss him,” Matteo whispered.

“Me too darling me too,” she said. “Come on,” she said, gesturing for them to get down.

Matteo jumped first, and then helped lift her down.

“I don’t think David felt like that about me,” Matteo said.

“But you’ll never know if you just avoid it, you need the closure Matteo,” she said firmly.

“You think it's time to move on?” 

“Perhaps or perhaps not, but maybe he's no longer afraid. From what you’ve told me it seems to me that that's why he pushed you away. Because he was afraid,” she said.

On  _ really  _ good days Matteo could believe this, but most days it just seemed like a stupid fantasy.

“But what if it wasn't that?” he asked quietly.

“Well there's only one person who can tell you that,” she said, stopping in front of him, waiting until he looked at her. 

“What if… what if I see him and it just sends me back and I just break again I can't- I-” 

She took hold of his shoulders, stretching to reach.

“Matteo you are so much stronger now, and back then what happened with David was just the final straw in a long chain of awful awful things that happened to you, you cannot be broken Matteo, you are too strong. You are so much stronger than I think you even realise,” she said. 

She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and pulled him close. Matteo nodded and allowed her to lead him back toward the farmhouse.

He could do this.


	2. so i got ten minutes to be all or nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sighed, got up and shouldered his rucksack. He put his headphones on, playing some gentle piano music to calm his nerves, and marched across the courtyard with more fake confidence than he knew he possessed. He didn't glance at David not even once, but he could almost swear he could feel the other boy’s eyes on him.

David was there on his first day. Technically Matteo was a week late, but the University was allowing it. It was all to help him adjust, last week he'd only gone in for admin stuff. 

So today was his official first day. He was sitting by the trees, watching the time tick down until his first lecture. He was cutting it fine but he couldn't move. 

Because David was there. 

What was he even doing there? What happened to Detroit and running away and all that bullshit?

Why was he there?

He was sitting with Sara and Leonie laughing and joking and happy. Matteo wondered if maybe David and Leonie were dating now. He remembered talking with Sara about it once, although he hadn’t been paying much attention. Then Sara leaned across and kissed Leonie, David just smiled. Maybe not then. Still, there was no way David hadn't moved on. 

Matteo just wished they'd leave so he could go to class. 

His phone buzzed, he pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the screen. It was a message from Amira.

_ Are you in class? _

_ Why aren't you in class? _

_ Don't make me come down there _

He looked around wildly. Was she watching him? She wasn't even his classes. Where the hell was she? Scary girl. He needed to stay on her good side, she may not be in his classes but she was going to keep him focused and help him through the year. 

He sighed, got up and shouldered his rucksack. He put his headphones on, playing some gentle piano music to calm his nerves, and marched across the courtyard with more fake confidence than he knew he possessed. He didn't glance at David not even once, but he could almost swear he could feel the other boy’s eyes on him.

One half-day of lectures pretty much wiped him out. The moment he got home, he kicked off his shoes and dropped his rucksack by the door. He headed straight to his room and collapsed on the bed.

He didn’t move again until Hans joined him an hour later.

“Ooh butterfly how was the first day of school?” he asked, jumping onto the bed beside him.

Matteo groaned at the movement, the noise.

“That bad?” Hans asked, much softer.

He reached out and stroked Matteo’s hair out of his face. Matteo closed his eyes.

“It was just a lot,” Matteo said.

“It’s gonna be a big adjustment,” Hans said. 

"Luigi!" Jonas shouted, barging into the room. 

"Jonas! How delightful to see you, you know he never once visited while you were away," Hans informed Matteo. 

Matteo just shrugged, it was getting too loud in here. 

"My sincerest apologies Hans," Jonas said, even bowing gracefully before jumping onto the bed to join them. 

Matteo groaned, it looked like he wasn't getting any peace anytime soon. 

"Man I can't believe you kept this room as a shrine to Matteo this entire time," Jonas said. 

"Of course, just waiting for my little butterfly to return home to me," Hans said, stroking his hair. 

Matteo sighed, he knew Hans was kidding, but still, it comforted him. 

"There have been like three roommates since I left and it looks nothing like before," he said. 

"But none of them were as wonderful as you," Hans said. 

Jonas grinned at them. 

"Right shit, I better get ready! I'm going out tonight butterfly, would you boys care to join me? There'll be lots of glitter," Hans offered. 

Jonas actually glanced at him, as if they should consider it. 

"No. Absolutely not," Matteo said. 

"One day Matteo, one day," Hans warned. 

Jonas laughed at the threat, Matteo rolled his eyes. 

"Jonas, are you staying with him?" Hans asked. 

"Oh fuck off, I'm not a child and I don't need babysitting, I am capable of surviving an evening by myself," Matteo muttered. 

He hated that they had to waste so much of their time taking care of him. He hated being a burden to them. 

"Butterfly I know you can, but why be alone when you don't have to be?" 

"I'm sure Jonas has better things to do than babysit me," Matteo said. 

"I do, things like hanging out with my best friend who has been away for two years, yeah? So don't tell me I'm babysitting you just for wanting to spend time with you, I fucking missed you, Luigi," Jonas said, eyes shining. 

Matteo stared, Jonas looked like he was about to cry. He nodded. Slowly, carefully he moved closer to Jonas who got it straight away and pulled him into a hug, squeezing him tightly. Matteo sighed. 

"See butterfly we love you and you're just going to have to accept it," Hans said. 

He threw himself into the hug and they ended up in a big pile on the bed, Matteo started giggling and he couldn't stop. They were all laughing and hugging. Matteo had missed them so much, he couldn't believe what he'd put them through. How fucking selfish he'd been. Then out of nowhere, he was crying. 

Hans pulled back so he could breathe. Matteo gasped and choked as he tried to catch his breath. Jonas stroked his hair and hushed him. 

"It's ok Luigi, it's ok," he whispered. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Matteo cried. 

"Don't apologise, Matteo," Hans said. 

"You don't even know what I'm apologising for," Matteo said. 

"It doesn't matter," Hans said, firmly. 

He took Matteo's hand and held it tightly. 

"It doesn't matter," he repeated. 

By Thursday he was completely exhausted. Hanna and Amira dragged him out of his room and to a small cafe nearby because apparently he needed a change of scenery. He probably did, if he wasn't at uni then he was in his room. Hans had probably called them, he was worried and fussing over him. 

"So how is it going?" Hanna asked gently, handing him a cup of coffee. 

She pushed a plate of cake towards him too, but he ignored it, too tired to eat. 

She frowned and exchanged a glance with Amira but he ignored that too. 

"I'm fine," he mumbled. 

He picked up a fork and pushed the cake around the plate. But he wasn't hungry, he felt sick and the lights were too bright. He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again Amira was watching him nervously. 

Great now they both thought he was on the edge of a mental breakdown. He should just go home. 

"It doesn't have to be fine, its ok if it's not," Amira said gently. 

"I'm just so fucking tired, it's been three days of classes and I just want to give up," he muttered. 

Hanna looked at him sadly, he hated that, the pity. 

"Maybe you need to reduce your hours," she suggested. 

"What from three half-days a week? And anyway I'm fine in class it's the rest of the time that I feel like this," he explained. 

It was a weird adjustment having all this free time. Back on the farm, he'd kept himself busy all the time, no one forced him to but he needed it. Now he had downtime again he didn't know what to do with it. 

He couldn't believe how much time he'd used to waste laying about in his room before, but here he was falling into old habits.

"Then maybe you need more classes?" Amira suggested. 

"I don't think that's a good idea," Hanna said. 

"He just said he wasn't busy enough," Amira argued. 

"Yes but-" 

Matteo sighed heavily and they both realised what they were doing. They stopped and faced him waiting. 

"I don't think I could handle more classes," he admitted, "sorry," he said to Amira. 

"No don't, don't apologise," she said. 

He nodded. 

"You need something else to do," Hanna said. 

"Maybe a job?" 

"Or a sport?" Hanna suggested, then burst out laughing like she'd made the funniest joke ever. 

Matteo scowled at her. 

"I could do sports, I'm fit and healthy now," he said. 

Well mostly fit, he still smoked too much, to his grandmother's disapproval, but he was also strong enough to help around a farm. And it was hard work. He could do sports he just didn't want to. 

"The fact that you're calling them  _ sports _ and pulling that face makes me think not," Amira argued. 

"Maybe I… should talk to my therapist?" he suggested. 

They both nodded enthusiastically. He rolled his eyes, but he appreciated their support.

“You're doing so well Matteo,” Amira said.

Hanna nodded.

He stopped playing with his food and started picking at the cake. He was starting to feel almost hungry now.

“Are you going to this party tomorrow?” Matteo asked them.

Jonas had mentioned it that morning before he’d left for class.

“Of course, it's gonna be fun!” Hanna said. “Are you?” she asked.

“Jonas wants me to go,” Matteo said.

He ate a bit more, then pushed the plate away. 

“You don't have to,” Hanna said. 

“I know but…”

He kind of wanted to go, Jonas had asked him. He wanted to hang out with him and the boys.

“Mohammed and I will be there, we won't be staying long, we'll walk you home if you like,” Amira offered. 

Matteo smiled, she was so kind. Matteo was so grateful to have them as his friends. 

“Thank you,” he whispered.

They both smiled at him, and he managed a small smile in return. He loved them both dearly, he was so glad that they still wanted to be friends with him after everything that happened.

Matteo still felt out of sorts when he got back to the apartment. He couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong, but he felt unsettled and restless, at the same time all he wanted to do was curl up in his bed.

Instead, he sat down in the living room, knowing that if he went in his room right now he would stay in there for a long time. No one was around anyway. He tried to stay upright, but he found himself sliding down the sofa within a few minutes.

He pulled out his phone and called his grandmother.

“Hey nonna,” he whispered when she picked up.

“Matteo what’s wrong?” she asked.

“Why do you think there’s something wrong?” he asked.

“Matteo I’m your grandmother, I know,” she said. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “something just feels wrong but I don’t know what, I just feel…”

He trailed off, he didn’t even know how he felt. He couldn’t find the words to explain it.

“Ok, Matteo where are you now?”

“In the living room at the apartment,” he told her.

He sank further onto the sofa and pulled a blanket over himself.

“Are you alone?”

“Yeah, but I’m ok, I was with friends earlier,” he told her.

“That’s good,” she said.

“I just feel off I guess, like something’s just not right but I don’t know what or why,” he said.

He threaded his fingers through the blanket, pulling it tight, squeezing the material.

“There doesn't always have to be an explanation, sometimes this just happens remember?”

“Yeah,” he muttered.

“It might not even be anything to do with your depression, dips in mood are normal for everyone,” she reminded him.

“And I’m tired,” he admitted.

He looked up when Linn’s bedroom door opened, she came out of her room and padded over to the other sofa, sitting down and just watching him, he frowned for a moment.

“Yes it’s a big adjustment for anyone, moving, starting uni, it’s a lot.” 

“I’m sorry for bothering you with all this,” Matteo mumbled.

“Matteo,” she warned.

“I know I know just…”

“You are never bothering me,” she insisted.

“Ok,” he said.

“Have you seen your mother yet?” she asked.

Matteo hadn’t, he’d avoided it, avoided her. Because he was ashamed, he’d been a bad son, just leaving her behind. And she didn’t know why. He had never been able to tell her what happened.

“I’m scared to visit her, I left her behind, I disappeared for two years, and for the first six months I didn't even call,” he said.

"You weren’t well enough to call her, you weren't in a place to handle that," she said. 

When he was still stuck in his room at the farm, he'd heard his her fielding all the calls from his mother. She'd been firm but gentle and always promised that Matteo would call her as soon as he was feeling better. 

Even when he was able to get out of bed, he still didn't call. Because how did he explain that he'd just fucked off to Italy without a word. Just like his father. There was only one way to explain it and that was the truth, and he was never going to be able to tell her that. 

"She doesn't know why I left," he mumbled. 

"Why?" 

"Because I don't want to upset her, I don't want her to have to worry about me," Matteo said. 

He rubbed his face aggressively but the tears kept falling. He was a mess, since coming back to Berlin he felt like all his progress was slipping away. He was sure he'd cried every day since arriving, and often over the stupidest things. Hans making him a cup of tea, Mia calling all of them from Madrid and telling them she missed them all especially Matteo. 

Kiki came over, when he first got back and told him he didn't need to worry, she wasn't going to throw him a party. But she'd bought a basket of food and little things for his room. He'd just broken down, but she didn't bat an eye, just squeezed his shoulders and then helped him unpack and decorate his room. 

So yeah he was a mess. 

"She’s stronger than you think Matteo," she insisted. 

"I just…" 

"But you don’t have to tell her," she assured him. 

"I can't lie to her, not to her face," Matteo said. 

"I think you need to see her, you miss her Matteo, I'm not saying that's what's going on right now, but it's obviously eating at you," she said. 

"I’ll… I'll think about it," he promised. 

"Good boy, right I've gotta go reign in Espresso, he's been playing up since you left, must be missing you," she said. 

Espresso was one his grandmother's horses, an old dark chocolate-brown stallion, with a greying black mane. He was huge, temperamental and would be intimidating to most but Matteo loved him. He couldn't really ride, too clumsy and nervous of falling, but he'd spent many days in the paddock just walking around with him. Venting, telling the poor old horse all his worries. Espresso didn't seem to mind as long as Matteo had snacks. 

"I miss him too, thank you for talking to me nonna," he said. 

"Anytime patatino, call me anytime," she insisted. 

He hung up and closed his eyes, letting go of a breath he hadn't known he was holding. 

"That was nice," Linn said dreamily. 

Matteo stared at her.

"Do you speak Italian?" he asked, a little afraid she'd been listening in.

He didn’t mind her knowing but he could have done with a heads up. She shook her head and he relaxed again. 

"No it was nice to listen to, your voice is really nice in German, soft. But in Italian, it's kind of beautiful? It's as if you're singing," she explained. 

Matteo blushed and ducked his head, feeling shy. He couldn't believe she'd come out of her room just to listen to him speak in a language she didn't understand, just because she liked his voice. He continued to stare at his hands, fidgeting with his sleeves. 

Linn got up to leave. 

“Don’t leave, please,” he whispered.

She moved to his couch and sat down by his feet, he moved so they both had room to lay back and she settled down, relaxing. 

“Linn I feel so… lost," he admitted. 

“I get that, but it will pass,” she said. 

She stared at him for a moment, then reached out and took his hand. Linn wasn’t all that big on touching, but she was good at knowing what people needed. He appreciated it and the comfort it provided.

“I promise it will pass,” she said again.

He believed her.


	3. but I don't think you understand me or what I fear

So the party was a bust. It had been loud, so loud that he wanted to scream to drown out the noise. And now he was sitting outside unable to breathe. He couldn't even text Amira to come get him, his hands wouldn't cooperate. 

He couldn't breathe, he needed to focus, but it was too dark, he was suffocating. His vision started to swim. 

He heard a noise behind him but couldn't process that right now. Someone was talking to him, he forced himself to look round, but his vision was blurry. Why couldn't they see he was dying? 

He still couldn't breathe. 

Then someone had hold of his hands so gentle and warm, they were placing his hands against their chest and breathing deeply. He was supposed to follow their breath he knew this, he’d done this with Hanna before

On the next breath in he copied. In, out. In, out. In, out. Slowly the spots in his vision began to disappear as his brain reoxygenated. 

David was crouching in front of him, looking worried, concerned. Matteo didn't even try to understand why. 

He let go of him when he realised he could breathe again but Matteo held on a little longer before dropping his hands. 

He thanked him and returned back to staring into space waiting for David to leave so he could call Amira. 

But David didn't leave, instead, he sat down beside him and asked if he was cold. He was but that wasn't why he was wearing the jumpers, he would be wearing them no matter the weather. He’d worn long sleeves the entire time he’d been in Italy, despite the heat. He wasn't going to go into that though, instead, he made a joke about hotter climates.

But then David said that he had missed him and Matteo’s brain went into a tailspin.

“Really?” he choked out “why?”

David looked conflicted, but he leant toward him anyway.

“I… Matteo… I-”

The door burst open, causing them to spring apart. Leonie and Sara burst through the door, Leonie was giggling and having fun, but Sara? Sara was drunk. She was too drunk, Matteo could tell. 

He needed to leave right now, but he was frozen beside David. Their knees were still touching. 

“Oh my god! Matteo!” she screeched.

Matteo winced and curled up slightly, he didn’t mean to but he found himself pressed closer to David.

He needed to leave.

“Sorry she’s a bit drunk,” Leonie said.

She was trying to hold her back. She was failing, Sara was determined.

“You’re back!” she shouted, pointing at him.

He flinched again, he couldn’t help it. He just wanted to curl up. He wanted to hide. Why did he even leave the safety of his room?

“I’m back,” he whispered.

Sara finally pulled free of Leonie, Matteo braced himself for her attack. She stumbled over and fell down on her knees in front of him.

Matteo reached out to help her sit down, she clung to his arms tightly and he winced.

“Where did you go?” she demanded, staring at him.

Her eyes were wide, shining with tears. She already knew Matteo realised.

“Italy,” he said quietly.

She let go of his arms knelt forward, crowding into his space. Matteo wrapped his arms around himself.

“Why?” she demanded.

Why was she asking when she already knew? He needed to leave. He could feel David’s eyes on him, they were all staring at him.

This was not how he imagined his evening would go.

“Sara,” Leonie warned, but she still didn’t step in, why wouldn’t she stop her? 

“Why did you go to Italy?” she demanded again.

He stared down at his knees. He just wanted to go home, he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to be back on his grandmother’s farm. Safe away from this stupid party.

“I wasn’t well,” he said.

What a fucking understatement.

“Wasn’t well how?” she asked, she was slurring her words, he could smell the alcohol on her breath. 

She was too close, he was trapped.

Why did she need to know? Why couldn’t she leave it alone? Why couldn’t she leave him alone? He knew he’d been shitty back when they’d been together but did she really need to do this now? 

Maybe it was karma, maybe he deserved it.

He shrugged. He couldn’t answer that. Not now. Not in front of David and Leonie.

“What was wrong with you?” Sara asked.

Leonie seemed to snap out of it then. She stepped forward, reaching out for her.

“Let’s go, Sara,” she said.

She was watching him now too, a nervous expression on her face.

“No, I want to know why Matteo left? He just disappeared, no one would tell me where you went. I’m sorry Matteo for what I posted on instagram, I was stupid and angry. I’m sorry if it was my fault, I’m so sorry.”

No that wasn’t right? She was supposed to be angry, not sad. She was supposed to hate him. But here she was tears streaming down her face. She was shaking.

“Sara?” Leonie was worried.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Matteo whispered.

He hadn’t even thought of that really. Not for a long time now.

“What wasn’t your fault?” David asked her.

Shit. She was going to tell them.

“He tried to kill himself,” Sara said.

Matteo pulled his hood up, over his face. They were all staring at him now and he couldn’t bear it. He didn’t want to be seen. He needed to disappear. He needed to leave. He got up and he did the only thing he could. He walked away. He heard them talking, yelling, but he didn't want to know. He needed to get back to his room. He needed to get out of there.

He felt panicky and afraid. He didn’t even know where he was. He’d gone to the party with Jonas. He was so tired, he was cold because he’d left his jacket behind in his haste to leave. He stumbled along through the unfamiliar streets. He was going to get lost but he had to keep moving, he had to get away from them, they all knew now. They all knew what a failure he was.

David knew.

Matteo couldn’t keep going. He stumbled into a wall and slid down, collapsing to the floor. He leant his head back against the cool wall and let the tears fall. He was just done. He was such a fool for coming back, why did he even bother? He closed his eyes. He didn’t even know what he was going to do. How was he going to get home?

“Matteo!”

He ignored whoever was calling him.

“Matteo!”

He blinked back to reality as his shoulders were shaken roughly. Jonas was crouching in front of him, Abdi standing behind him, both of them looking terrified.

“Matteo?”

“Everyone knows Jonas, Sara was drunk she told everyone,” he said.

“Everyone?”

“Leonie and David,” he said.

“I don’t really know David, but I don’t think Leonie will tell people,” Jonas said.

Matteo sighed. It didn’t matter anyway, the person he didn’t want to find out, now knew what had happened.

“Matteo, can I take you home?” Jonas asked.

He didn’t want to go with Jonas he wanted to be left alone.

“I can’t move,” he said.

“Let me help you,” Jonas said, reaching out to pull him up.

Matteo flinched and he pulled back.

“No please just I can’t move,” Matteo said.

“Matteo you can't stay here, we need to get you home,” Jonas said.

He tried again.

“No,” Matteo repeated.

“Matteo…”

“Stop it! Stop it!” 

“Jonas just wait,” Abdi said, still hovering behind Jonas.

Matteo curled up, pressing his head against his knees, he just needed a minute He just wasn’t ready to move yet. He could hear Jonas and Abdi bickering. Trying to decide what to do with him. When Jonas suggested that they could carry him home, Matteo curled up tighter and screamed into his knees.

“Matteo!”

“No!”

“I’m not going to touch you, I’m sorry, I'm sorry. Tell me what you need, I'm not going to move you until you’re ready,” he said.

Matteo took a deep breath.

“I want… can you get Hans?”

Jonas looked devastated but he nodded and got out his phone. Matteo watched him send a text. He wondered what it said but he didn’t ask.

Instead, they waited in silence, after a few minutes Abdi approached and when Matteo nodded he sat down beside him. 

He just sat there focusing on his breathing. It had been easier when David was guiding him 

After twenty minutes a taxi pulled up in front of them. He watched Hans get out and talk to the driver, Matteo assumed he was telling them to wait.

Hans approached them calmly and crouched down in front of them.

He held out his hands and waited. Slowly Matteo uncurled and reached out to take them. Hans watched him carefully for a moment.

“Ready to go home?”

Matteo closed his eyes for a moment, then nodded. Hans stood up, pulling him up carefully. Matteo glanced at Jonas.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Matteo shook his head.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.

“I’m not upset with you, I promise Matteo,” Jonas said.

Matteo nodded and allowed Hans to lead him away.

“Is everything ok with you and Jonas?” Hans asked when they got in the car.

“Why?”

“He’s worried you won’t let him help you,” Hans said.

That must be what Jonas said in the text.

“He shouldn't be helping me,” Matteo muttered.

Hans frowned.

“Why?” he asked.

“Just that I’m a shitty friend. He shouldn’t be wasting his time with me,” he said.

Matteo felt guilty for how much time Jonas was spending on him, he’d wasted all his evenings at the apartment. He’d had to leave the party early, he’d been meeting Matteo after class all week. He should’ve been spending time with Hanna, not him. They were both going to end up hating him soon. A few years ago he would have given anything for Jonas to spend all his time with him instead of Hanna. Now he just felt ashamed.

“You’re not a shitty friend,” Hans said.

“You don’t even know what I did,” Matteo whispered.

Hans was staring at him, a worried look on his face.

“What did you do?” he asked.

“I… I can’t... but it was bad,” he said.

Hans nodded.

“I think you need to talk to Jonas,” Hans suggested.

“I can't, he’ll hate me,” he said.

“Matteo you’re pushing him away, you’re scaring him. He loves you so much, nothing you could tell him would ever make him hate you. Talk to him,” Hans said.

Matteo shrugged. He was never going to. I was too late now, he’d left it too long. He would just keep this buried.

“What happened tonight Matteo?”

“I- Sara knows about what I did, she told Leonie… and David,” he said.

“Your David?”

“Just David, she told him,” Matteo said.

“Oh Matteo I’m sorry,” he said, he pulled Matteo closer and he let him.

He allowed him to pull him into a tight hug and he finally started to cry.

“She was drunk and let's face it I treated her like shit so…”

“No Matteo you didn’t deserve this,” Hans said.

“But-”

“You didn’t deserve it, Matteo,” he insisted.

“Hans I’m so tired, from everything, not just tonight, this week has been exhausting, I don’t know if I can do it,” he admitted.

“It’s been your first week of uni, we knew it was going to be hard. But you’re doing really well, I’m so proud of you Matteo, I know you can do it,” Hans said.

“Thanks, Hans,” he mumbled. 

“How do you fancy curling up on the sofa and watching trashy films?"

“I’m kinda tired," he said, but he knew he would because locking himself in his room was not a good idea right now. 

“Just a few hours, just to wind down after tonight, and we have ice cream," Hans said. 

“I’m not going through a break-up Hans,” Matteo muttered.

“Ice cream isn't just for breakups Matteo honestly, have I taught you nothing? Ice cream is for any sad occasion, ok?”

“Ok,” he said, shrugging.

Matteo leant his head on Hans’s shoulder. He still felt shaky and nervous about what happened. 

He had no idea what was going to happen next and he hated it. He was scared of losing Jonas but too ashamed of himself to let him in. He was scared of seeing David again, afraid to see the pity or even disgust in his eyes. 

He was scared he was going to become too much for Hans, he already relied on him so much, what if he got fed up of him? 

He sighed and closed his eyes. He was so afraid. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I finished drafting all of this, chapter count is going to be twelve. Everything is written but the final, which is half done, so I can update more frequently, yay!
> 
> It's way longer than I originally intended, but Matteo is so easy to write, and I wanted to resolve all the issues he'd left behind when he went away to Italy. So it's gonna be a journey. Tags and warnings will update as the story unfolds
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's reading and commenting, let me know if you enjoy!
> 
> Find me [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	4. i'm more than all the mistakes i've outrun

Someone was at the door, they kept buzzing. He ignored it. He wasn’t in the mood right now. He heard Hans talking to someone, but he didn’t move. He was tired. He’d slept all day Saturday, and he was still tired. Friday had been a lot. 

There was a knock at his door. He knew Hans would come in anyway so he didn't bother saying anything.

He was right, the door opened and Hans entered the room.

“Butterfly?” he said softly. “Doing ok?”

“Not good,” Matteo whispered.

Hans sat down beside him and stroked his hair.

“You have a visitor but I can send her away,” Hans said.

Matteo frowned.

“Who is it?”

“Sara,” Hans said.

“Oh.”

Matteo slumped down and closed his eyes. Why was she here? Hadn’t she done enough? Did she want to have another go at him?

“She’s quite upset,” Hans told him.

“Angry?”

“No sad,” Hans said.

Oh. She’d been sad on Friday too.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

Perhaps it would just be better to get this over with. Sara was nothing if not persistent.

“You’ll see her?” Hans asked.

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“Ok, I’ll get her,” Hans said.

He got up and left the room, and Matteo missed him immediately, he didn't want to be alone in here anymore. He wondered if it would be too much to get Hans to sit with him after Sara was done. 

“If he asks you to leave you must leave, do you understand?” Hans asked as he walked Sara into the room.

“Yes of course,” she said, glancing over at him. 

She seemed nervous, biting her lip, eyes darting around the room. 

Matteo watched Hans leave, he left the door open, and Matteo knew he was in the living room. He would be back in there in a second if he sensed Matteo was getting upset. Matteo loved him for that.

“Hey,” Sara said, approaching the bed. She didn’t seem to know what to do with herself, fidgeting as much as Matteo did on a regular day.

Matteo moved aside slightly so that she could perch where Hans had sat previously.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey. I just wanted to say sorry, for Friday, I was drunk but I shouldn’t have done that,” she said.

“It’s ok,” Matteo said.

She stared at him.

“No, it’s not, it’s not ok Matteo,” she said.

“I probably deserve it,” Matteo said.

“No don’t do that,” she insisted, moving closer, she stopped when Matteo tensed and edged away.

“I am sorry, for before. For leading you on, and for being so shitty with you, I’m sorry,” Matteo said.

“What you did wasn’t ok, but I forgive you ok? Thank you for apologising. And I want to apologise for having a go at you on instagram and telling Leonie I thought you were gay. That wasn’t ok. And no matter how shitty you were you didn’t deserve that on Friday ok? That was awful of me, and it must have been so difficult to hear.”

“It was pretty shit yeah,” he admitted.

“What happened Matteo?” she asked softly. "You don't have to tell me just… are you ok?" 

Matteo sighed and moved over further, he lay back and closed his eyes.

Sara took the hint and lay down beside him.

“Everything just got too much. It was never your fault ok? It was no one’s fault. I’m not well, I have depression and I wasn’t dealing with it at the time. I locked myself away and just stopped speaking to anyone. I just, I don’t even really remember what happened, it’s just like this dark patch in my mind, and if I try and think about it too long it hurts, so I don’t really.” Matteo said.

“I’m sorry though,” Sara said.

“For what?” he asked, turning to look at her.

“I was your girlfriend, I know you weren't’ into me or whatever, but still. I feel like I should’ve tried harder, to get you to talk and stuff, I really cared about you, you know? I would’ve been there for you,” she said.

But she couldn’t have helped, even if he had let her. No one could’ve helped him. He was beyond help at that point.

“It doesn’t work like that,” he told her.

“I know, I know, I just hate that you went through all that alone,” she said.

Matteo hadn’t realised she cared so much. But he hadn’t realised anyone cared so much really. Or he’d ignored it.

“It’s why I did it or tried,” he admitted.

“Because you were alone?” she asked.

“Yeah, like that's a big part of it. I absolutely hate being alone, like I can’t bear it, but sometimes in my mind, it gets to a point where I start pushing everyone away, I won’t let them help me even though I desperately want to,” he explained.

She nodded as if she understood, he wondered if she did. He should have paid more attention to her back then. 

“How are you doing now?” she asked.

“Ok. Not right now but in general I’m ok,” he said.

“That’s so good, I’m glad you’re back,” she said.

He turned to look at her properly now.

“Really?” he said.

“I missed you,” she said like it was obvious. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah like before you left I was angry, but I calmed down eventually, and I just missed you. We were friends before,” she reminded him.

“We could be friends again?” he suggested.

He genuinely wanted it too. She grinned at him. 

“I’d like that,” she said.

“So er… Leonie?”

She got the hint and allowed him to change the subject. He could let her do the talking and he would listen. That’s how it worked before.

“Oooh yes you missed so much, you have no idea. I have to fill you in on everything,” she said.

“Clearly,” he said.

She sat up and gestured for him to do the same, he just rolled his eyes but she waited. He sighed heavily but sat up to face her. She placed her hands on his knees and he knew he was about to get a whirlwind update on everything he’d missed.

“So Leonie. We got together in first year of Uni. It was a lot. She got drunk and told me she was in love with me,” she said, shaking her head like it was the most ridiculous thing.

“Romantic,” he said dryly.

“Right? I was so mad, how dare she say all that drunk? And then the next day pretend like it was nothing? What the hell was I supposed to think?”

She was up on her knees now, gesturing almost as much as his grandmother.

“She’s my best friend. I was really upset. I didn’t talk to her for a week,” she said.

“Harsh,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, I overreacted but I thought she was fucking around with me, that she’d only said it because she was drunk,” Sara said.

“So what happened?” Matteo asked.

“She texted me begging me to forgive her, that she didn’t want it to affect our friendship, that she would deal with it she just didn’t want to lose me,” Sara explained.

“So it was the truth?”

“It was the truth, so I went over there, I still didn’t even know what I was going to say. Just showed up at her apartment and the minute I saw her, I just I couldn’t do anything but kiss her. So I did.”

“Nice,” Matteo said.

“I know, and yeah we’ve been together ever since, we actually moved in together last year,” she said.

She held out a hand and he high fived her.

“I’m happy for you,” he said.

And he was, he was so happy that she was doing ok, that she was happy.

“What about you? Any hot Italian boys on the scene? Did you have a steamy romance while you were away?”

“While I was away dealing with depression you mean?”

“Ok but when you started getting better, didn’t fancy sharing a plate of spaghetti with a hot stranger?”

He just stared for a moment then laughed, she joined him, giggling until they both fell down.

“What the fuck are talking about? Have you been reading your grandma’s romance books?”

“So no one?”

“Nah, I’m not really there yet…” he said.

“Or any hot german boys?”

He shook his head furiously. 

“What? You know I got back like a month ago?"

“Oh, c’mon what about David?”

Shit. Of course, that would come up. 

“What about him?" he asked carefully. 

“Er? You’re in love with each other?”

Ok, so Sara was ridiculous. David absolutely wasn't in love with him. 

“No we’re not, and he isn’t into me like that," he said. 

Sara actually had the audacity to just laugh at him. 

“Man I forgot how stupid you were," she said. 

Matteo scowled. 

“Hey!"

“Sorry but come on. He is so in love with you. Leonie and me talk about it all the time. She is so excited you’re back," she informed him. 

“Great,” Matteo muttered. 

“We can go on a double date when you two get your shit together," she said. 

Matteo just flopped back angrily against the pillows. As if anything were ever that simple, as if he could ever have that kind of normal. 

“No we can’t. I’m not dating David. He is definitely not in love with me. He’s not into me at all, he told me himself. And even if he was I’m depressed Sara, he wouldn’t want me now he knows I’m such a mess," he explained. 

She laid down beside him, and pulled him into a hug. He went willingly. 

“Don’t do that, don’t talk about yourself like that Matteo," she whispered. 

“Ok," he mumbled. 

“I mean it ok? No one thinks any less of you, especially not David, he’s really missed you, just think about it ok?"

“Ok," he agreed. 

“You deserve to be happy Matteo,” she insisted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it? Hate it? Let me know here or [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	5. and I don't care what you say 'cause I know

Matteo was scaring Jonas, he knew it but he couldn't help it. They were at Jonas and Hanna's apartment, crashed out on the sofa. They were supposed to be playing video games until Hanna got back and then they would eat. 

But Matteo couldn't focus, he couldn't concentrate. It was Monday and he'd been at school all afternoon, he was tired of talking and socialising. Not that he'd done much of either. But enough for him. 

"Luigi?" Jonas said, nudging him with the controller. 

Why was he even still bothering with him? Matteo ignored him. He was in a funk right now. He didn't want to play games. 

"Matteo?" Jonas said, more firmly, but still so gentle. 

Because he was afraid, probably worried that Matteo was on the edge of another mental breakdown. 

Matteo sighed, this was all so so stupid. 

"What?" he mumbled, finally looking at Jonas. 

"Are we ok?" Jonas asked. 

"What?" Matteo repeated. 

"Matteo I don't know what I'm doing here ok? I'm trying to be there for you, but if I'm doing the wrong thing you need to tell me, if you want space that's fine. I know I'm being clingy and annoying but it's just because I missed you ok? So if I'm being too much just tell me and I'll back off, I know you like your space-”

"I don't,” he admitted.

Jonas stared confused, he’d thrown him with that. 

"You don't?” he asked. 

"I mean not right now, sometimes, but not right now,” he said.

Because he wanted to be there, he didn’t want to be alone, but he also didn’t want to be there with Jonas. Because he was wasting Jonas’ time 

“Then what’s going on? Because Matteo it seems like you would rather be anywhere else but here,” he said.

Matteo sighed. This was happening. Jonas wasn’t going to let this go. He would push and push until Matteo admitted everything. And then he would hate him. The only way out of this would be to leave. But Matteo was just so tired.

“I… why are you even still trying?” Matteo asked. 

“What? Luigi you are my best friend,” Jonas insisted.

He reached out but Matteo pulled away. 

What kind of best friend was he? He had ruined his friends relationship out of petty jealousy. What kind of person did that? He didn't deserve Jonas. And then to make it worse he was behaving shittily now and making Jonas feel guilty. 

"You wouldn't say that if you really knew me,” Matteo mumbled.

Jonas looked at him, eyes wide, he was still scared.

“Matteo what are you talking about?” he asked. 

“I'm just a shitty friend you deserve better,” Matteo said.

“You’re the best friend I could ever have and I don't want anyone else and-”

“I broke you and Hanna up in first year of high school! It was all my fault, ok? I'm not a good person, I'm not nice or kind or good! I'm shitty and petty and jealous! I'm the worst person and-”

"Oh bullshit!” Hanna said, marching into the room.

She threw her bag to one side and stormed over to them, sitting down on the coffee table facing them.

Matteo hadn't even heard the door but of course she was here, he may as well lose both his best friends at once.

"Bullshit Matteo," she said, kneeling in front of him. 

People kept doing that lately, being so gentle and kind with him. He couldn't understand it. They should be angry and yelling. He'd ruined their lives over and over, and he'd essentially guilted them into keeping him. He was so selfish.

"Ok what's going on? Jonas asked. 

"I tried to break you up with Hanna I tried to ruin everything,” he said.

“Why?” Jonas asked. 

“Jonas,” Hanna warned.

He ignored Hanna.

“Why Matteo?” he repeated.

“Because I'm an asshole,” Matteo said.

“Why Matteo?” he asked again.

“Because I was jealous and petty and awful,” Matteo said. 

“Why?” Jonas asked.

This was awful, he wasn’t going to stop. Matteo couldn’t breathe, he was going to throw up. He was going to lose Jonas.

“Because I'm just a bad person. Because I hate when I don't get my own way,” he said. 

“Why did you do it Matteo?” Jonas asked.

Why wouldn’t he stop?

“Because I was sad!” Matteo screamed, “because I was sad and lonely and afraid and you weren't paying me any fucking attention!”

Jonas grabbed his shoulders, there were tears streaming down his face.

“Why did you do it Matteo?” he whispered.

He didn’t think they were talking about first-year anymore.

“Because I was alone, because I was alone, because I was alone-”

Jonas pulled him in close, wrapping his arms around him.

“Not anymore ok? And never again,” he said.

“But-”

“No okay? You can't get rid of me ok?” Jonas whispered.

He didn’t understand.

“But I-” 

“I don't care ok? I don't care. I almost lost you I'm never doing that again,” he said.

He was shaking with it now, clinging to Matteo like he might disappear if he let go.

“Me trying to kill myself shouldn't excuse what I did,” Matteo muttered.

“It doesn't you asshole, but it puts things into perspective. Because ending our friendship over old news like this would be insane. God I wish you’d told me straight away I would have told you then and there it didn't matter,” Jonas said.

“You wouldn't,” Matteo argued.

If he’d found out then he would have never spoken to Matteo again. He was so cut up when things ended between him and Hanna there was no way he would have ever forgiven him. He would have hated him.

“No you’re right I would have been mad, but I would have forgiven you,” he said.

That just couldn’t be true. Matteo refused to look up at him, too afraid of what he would see.

“Why?” 

“Because you're fucking sorry, you're so fucking sorry,” Jonas said.

“I didn't do it because I was depressed,” Matteo said.

“I know,” Jonas said.

“I was jealous,” Matteo admitted.

He sighed, if he was doing this, he was doing all of it.

“Ok.”

“I had a crush on you, it… it was killing me, I was confused. I was miserable and I wanted you to be miserable too,” he said turning to Hanna 

She nodded, she’d been silent since Matteo had started screaming but there were tears on her cheeks too. 

“Because it wasn't fair. How shitty is that?” Matteo asked. 

“You were seventeen,” Hanna said, finally speaking up.

“That's no fucking excuse,” he said.

“Ok here's how I see it. You were young stupid and jealous. You were depressed-” 

“No-”

“Let me finish. You were depressed and sad, there I was with the one thing you wanted and…”

Matteo ducked as she threw a pillow at Jonas to wipe the smirk off his face. 

“And I kissed another boy, right? How unfair was that?” she asked.

“That's no excuse Hanna I put you in danger,” Matteo said. 

“I know and I was angry at you at the time, but I forgive you. I forgave you years ago,” she said.

Matteo still couldn’t believe it though. Why weren’t they angry? Why didn’t they hate him? 

“But-”

“Ok so I’m pretty blindsided by all this but I'm not angry,” Jonas insisted.

“Why?” Matteo whispered.

“Matteo this has eaten at you for years. I didn't even realise, but good god you are obviously sorry. Ok? You're sorry and I forgive you,” Jonas said.

“I don't deserve you,” Matteo said.

“Yes you do, yes you do,” Jonas argued.

“Right does anyone else have anything to confess?” Hanna asked.

“No? Ok then can we move past this? Can you stop pushing me away and realise I'm spending time with you because I want to, not because I feel sorry for you?” Jonas demanded.

Him and Hanna made a formidable team. 

“We love you so much Matteo ok?” Hanna said.

He wanted to believe them he did, but there was so much doubt in his stupid brain, it made it impossible.

“It's hard,” he said. 

They frowned. 

“It's so hard to believe it,” he explained.

“Then we'll just have to tell you more often,” Hanna said.

"Yeah Matteo we love you," Jonas insisted. 

"We love you, Matteo," Hanna said, reaching out and ruffling his hair. 

"Stop it," he muttered. 

"You're supposed to say it back," Hanna said. 

Matteo huffed.

"No." 

"No?" 

"Fine I love you guys, you're my best friends, blah blah blah," he said, but he couldn't hide his smile from them. 

"Yeah, but me more right?" Jonas asked. 

"Nah Hanna," he said, reaching out and bumping her fist. 

Jonas huffed and shoved him away, grabbing a pillow. Matteo ducked away and tried to move behind Hanna but she dodged them both. Jonas sighed and dropped the pillow again. 

"Luigi… Matteo?"

He glanced at Hanna who nodded and got up, leaving the room. 

Matteo went back to the sofa. 

"Yeah?" 

“I missed you so much ok? I missed you every fucking day, when I found out what had happened it broke me-"

"Jonas," Matteo gasped. 

"I'm not saying this to upset you, hear me out. I realised how much I'd taken it for granted that you'd always just be there. Do you know before you left the longest time we'd spent apart was thirteen days when I went skiing that time? You couldn't come," Jonas said. 

"I yeah I remember," Matteo said. 

That had been a long two weeks, he'd been miserable the entire time, but also distracted taking care of his mama. It was why he couldn't go with them. 

"I missed you the entire time," Jonas said. 

And Matteo knew, the very day they'd gotten back Jonas had insisted on being dropped off at Matteo's even though it was late. He'd barged into his room, jumped on the bed on top of a sleepy twelve-year-old Matteo and promised never to leave again. God, was it any wonder Matteo had had that crush? Jonas was so open with his love and affection, and Matteo had been starving for it. 

"Me too," Matteo said. 

"But it was nothing compared to this ok? So what I'm trying to say is, look I know you can't understand why I forgive you so easily. Your relationship with guilt is complicated. But I have to, ok? I have no other choice because not being friends with you isn't an option for me and yeah I could get angry I could stop speaking to you, punish you. But what would be the point? You're clearly very capable of doing that to yourself. I forgive you because I need you, but it's for me not you ok? You think I'm friends with you because you need me but it goes both ways, I need you just as much, let me be there for you, please," Jonas begged. 

"Ok." 

Jonas pulled him close and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Matteo felt dizzy with relief, almost high from it. He sunk against Jonas. He watched as Hanna came back in and sat down next to them, all three of them pressed together on their tiny sofa.

“I know I was going to cook, but I’m too emotional now, so let's just order junk yeah?”

“No complaints here, in a bit yeah?” Jonas suggested. 

“Ok Matteo?”

“Mm,” he agreed. 

He didn't really care, he wasn’t even hungry, he was just so relieved. Jonas still loved him. Hanna still loved him. 

“Man I still can’t believe you had a crush on me,” Jonas said.

Hanna burst out laughing and the tension was finally broken.

“Stop it,” Matteo muttered.

“I mean I get it, I’m the hottest guy you know-"

“Er not even close," Matteo argued before he realised he was probably revealing too much. 

But everything was out in the open again. He felt like he could finally talk to Jonas about anything again. Just like when they were kids and he'd confided in him all his hopes and dreams, all his fears and worries. 

“Not even close how dare you? Who do you know who’s hotter than me?" Jonas demanded, squeezing Matteo so that he had to wriggle free to breathe. 

Matteo felt his face getting hot.

“Good god Jonas ego much?” Hanna said, thumping him. 

“Wait you’re blushing, Hanna he’s blushing," Jonas said, excited. 

“Oh my god you are," Hanna agreed, tapping his red cheeks. 

“Stop it," he muttered, knocking her hand away. 

“Ok Luigi, but you know you can talk to us right about anything, even hot boys yeah?”

“I for one love talking about hot boys," Hanna said. 

Matteo grinned. 

“Is there a boy?”

“It’s the same boy as always," Matteo admitted. 

Jonas glanced at Hanna who shrugged. 

"David," Matteo said. 

“David? From the party? From high school?” Jonas asked. 

He'd been paying attention. 

"Yeah," Matteo said. 

"That’s why you were so upset on Friday?" Jonas asked. 

"I didn’t want him to find out," Matteo said. 

"Ok and that’s fair, but I promise you Matteo no one is judging you for what happened two years ago, and anyone that does, well they're a shitty person," Hanna said. 

"Seriously, Luigi, I doubt David would have any problem with you being depressed, but if he did then he’s not the sort of person you need in your life," Jonas added. 

"I think maybe I should talk to him," Matteo admitted.

"Yeah?" Hanna asked, surprised. 

"I saw him at school today, I think he was waiting for Leonie, and I just… all I wanted to do was go over and say hi, how sad is that?” he asked.

Hanna smiled at him.

“It’s cute,” she said.

He shook his head.

“No.”

“Yes it is, you have a crush, it’s cute,” she insisted.

Matteo wriggled free of Jonas, he was getting too hot, and his face was on fire at this point. But he didn’t go too far, just slid to the floor beside them. He pulled his hood up to cover his face.

“It’s not cute I don’t have a crush, stop it,” he muttered.

“You’re allowed to want this,” Hanna said gently.

“It’s hard,” he admitted, “and I’m so confused,” he told them.

“Confused?” Jonas asked.

“Sara came round yesterday-”

“To apologise I hope,” Jonas said.

“Yeah she did, but then she told me that David was still in love with me,” he said.

Jonas eyes widened, he stared at him. Hanna wore a similar expression.

“Wait hold up, still in love with you?”

Matteo hadn’t really gone into detail about what had happened with David, in the few phone calls he’d made to Jonas over the past two years. He’d come out over the phone, he’d told him about his depression, and he’d told him what he could manage about his attempt. Each call had ended in tears. But he hadn’t mentioned David. 

“Um back in second year me and David had kind of a thing, but it was only for like a few weeks and then it ended. He was never in love with me, Sara’s just exaggerating,” he said.

“Were you in love with him?” Jonas asked.

Hanna reached out and pushed the hood from his face.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Are you still in love with him?” Hanna asked.

“Yeah.”

“Ok but Sara and David are really good friends, so she probably would know if he’s in love with you,” Hanna said.

God she wasn’t going to let this go now, there was a determined look on her face.

“Don’t ok stop it,” he mumbled, burying his face in his hands.

“You need to talk to him Matteo, oh my god,” she said.

“I will ok? Don’t push,” he said.

“Ok I’m giving you a week,” she offered.

Matteo glanced up at her, she was being serious.

“And then what?” he asked.

“Then I tell Amira,” she said,

“You wouldn’t,” he said.

“Try me.”

He looked at Jonas who just shrugged. He wasn’t any help at all. Matteo guessed he would have to talk to David. He was probably going to anyway, at some point. It was hard but he needed to clear the air about what happened on Friday. If he didn’t he would just keep torturing himself.


	6. but i don't want to lie to tell myself

There was one more person he needed to speak to before he even considered speaking to David. He was going to visit his mother. Or so he kept telling himself but he was stalling, wandering the streets by his childhood home over and over. Avoiding the one building he needed to approach. 

He circled the block again, head down, hands shoved into his pockets. He didn’t even know what he was doing, what he was going to say. He’d come straight from school, just on a whim. He had no plan and he was terrified.

“Matteo!”

He finally looked up from his feet and found himself looking at Sara and Leonie. Just what he needed. He may have been on better terms with Sara, but he was sure Leonie probably hated him. Plus right now he didn’t feel like talking.

“Er hey…” he said, almost stepping back when Sara went in for a hug.

He hugged her back tentatively and she smiled warmly at him. He was more shocked when Leonie also hugged him gently.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“We’re heading out to dinner, we actually live nearby,” Sara told him.

Leonie looked around where they were and nodded.

“What about you, visiting home?” she asked.

Of course, she remembered, Matteo thought she might have even been round there once. A long time ago.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“Are you ok Matteo?” Sara asked.

“I… I don’t know,” he admitted.

She reached out and took his hand, leading him to a nearby bench. He sat and took a deep breath. Sara sat beside him, a hand on his shoulder. Leonie crouched down in front of him.

“I don’t think I can do it,” he said.

“Visit you mum?” Leonie asked.

Because Leonie knew, she’d been with Jonas when things first started going wrong at home. She squeezed his knee. It helped. They were helping.

“I… haven’t seen her since I left, I… she doesn’t know what happened,” he said.

“Do you have to tell her?”

“I… don’t know… I just… I was in class today, and she sent me a text, all it said was that she hoped school was going well and that she loved me, and I just… I need to see her. I miss her so much,” he said.

“Oh Matteo,” Sara said.

“You  _ need _ to see her,” Leonie said.

“I don’t even know what to say,” he said.

“She’s your mother Matteo, you don’t need to know, you just need to see her,” Leonie said.

She was right of course she was right. He needed to see her, he couldn’t wait any longer. It’s why his feet had carried him here right after class. He’d been gone two years. He couldn’t wait a moment more.

“Ok,” Matteo said, nodding.

“Then let’s go,” Leonie said, standing up.

He looked up at her confused. “What?”

“We’ll walk you there,” Sara said.

She stood up too.

“It’s just over there,” Matteo said, frowning and pointing to his street.

Leonie just smiled and started backing away. Sara grinned and tilted her head before walking away too.

Matteo huffed but he got up and followed them.

They walked on either side of him, down the street toward his family home. And they didn’t push or comment when he stopped dead once he reached the house. They just waited until Matteo nodded and sucked in a breath, before stepping forward and pushing the buzzer.

“Good luck Matteo,” Leonie said.

He didn’t turn around again, just stared at the door until it opened and his mother was standing in front of him.

“Matteo?” she said softly.

As soon as she spoke Matteo broke, he fell forward, sobbing. But his mother was ready for him. She caught him and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly, pressing him against her. Matteo swayed as she held him. She was taking all his weight, but she didn’t struggle, didn’t complain just held on to him. Several minutes passed before Matteo calmed down enough to pull away and stand in front of her. She stroked his hair out of his face and smoothed them down over his shoulders.

“Oh Matteo, oh my boy what’s going on darling?” she asked.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course you can,” she said, pulling him in.

She lead him to the living room and sat him down on the sofa.

“Sit there sweetheart, let me get you something to drink,” she said.

Matteo couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell her he didn’t want anything, so he watched her rush off to the kitchen.

She returned a few minutes later with a cup of hot chocolate which she pressed into hands. He smiled weakly at her.

“Drink it, sweetheart you’re in shock, the sugar will help,” she said.

He nodded dumbly and took a sip and then another. He felt the shakiness he’d been feeling begin to subside. She sat beside him and placed a hand on his knee.

“Mama I- I- I-” 

He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t speak.

“Hush now, take your time, breathe for me darling,” she said.

Matteo took a deep breath and then another.

“Ok?”

He shook his head, he so clearly wasn’t ok.

His mother nodded she took the cup from him and put it on the coffee table, then pulled him close, rocking him gently until he finally started to calm down.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry I left you,” he whispered after a few minutes.

“None of that now Matteo, you did what you needed to do,” she said.

“I left you, I left you,” he whispered.

He felt so ashamed, he couldn’t believe what he’d done. He’d left her just like his father, left her when she needed him the most.

“It’s alright Matteo, you needed to get away. I was in no state to take care of you, but Matteo I’m doing so much better now, and I want to be there for you again,” she said.

Matteo still couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think, he didn’t know what to do or say.

“Drink your hot chocolate sweetheart,” she said, passing him the cup again.

He did, she watched him drink all of it before taking the cup and placing it on the table again.

“Better?”

“Not really,” he said, but he felt a bit more settled, a bit more at ease.

“Talk to me Matteo,” she said.

“I… left here because I couldn’t mama... I couldn’t help you and it was making me ill. Mama, it was hurting me,” he said.

She clucked her tongue and he glanced at her nervously. But she didn’t look angry, just sad, and worried about him.

“I know Matteo, I know and I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

He shook his head.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he insisted.

“Yes it was-”

“You weren’t well,” he reminded her.

“I know but I was supposed to take care of you when I wouldn’t even take care of myself,” she said.

“It wasn’t your fault, it was no one's fault,” he said.

He leant back against the sofa, he sighed, this was exhausting. He needed to do this, he needed to tell her. He needed to clear everything up, if they were ever going to move forward and she needed to know the truth.

“Ok ok Matteo,” she said.

He looked at her and she seemed to believe him. She didn’t fight him on it. She was much better at accepting the truth than he was, or maybe she just trusted him.

“But I… I wasn’t well either. I’m still not well. Mama, I have depression,” he admitted.

He felt such a relief telling her. She needed to know. He needed her to know.

She didn’t look surprised just sad.

“Is it because of me?” she asked quietly.

Matteo shook his head and grabbed her hands.

“No! I don’t think so, I… I think it didn’t help but I think it would have happened anyway. I don’t blame you,” he said.

She nodded.

“But mama... I... so much was going on. Do you remember last year when I told you that I was gay?”

“Yes, darling and I’m so proud of you,” she said, smiling.

“But I was depressed back in high school mama and I kept it a secret, I wasn’t… so much was going on, I was fighting with my friends, there was a boy, there was everything with you and papa, I was scared, I was all alone mama and I- I-”

“It’s ok Matteo I know, I know. And you don’t have to say it. I know what happened, I know it’s hard I know how hard it is for you to talk about this,” she said.

“I’m so sorry mama,” he said, crying again.

He hadn’t really stopped since he’d gotten there.

“Shush,” she whispered, stroking his hair.

“Did nonna tell you?” he asked.

He didn’t think she would do something like that, go behind his back. But he couldn’t understand how she would know otherwise.

“Your father,” she said.

He gasped. Had his father called her up and told her? Knowing how fragile she was. How could he do something like that? He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, but she reached out and stopped him.

“What?” he demanded.

“I was worried about you, your nonna she wouldn’t tell me anything and I know why but I was so worried about you. So I called him and he told me, and the way he said it, Matteo, like you were an embarrassment to him. I can’t believe that man, you are his son. You almost died and all he cared about was the inconvenience of having to keep you at his bachelor pad.” 

Her voice was cold, Matteo shuddered. She was angry now, only his father could get her wound up like that. When she was well his mother was the warmest, kindest woman Matteo knew. But he remembered sometimes when he was small, she would get angry at his father, whenever he lost his patience with Matteo. Those were the only times he’d ever see her mad. Even when she wasn’t well she didn’t really get mad, just sad, devastatingly sad.

“I didn’t want to tell you, I didn’t want you to know,” he said.

“I know,” she said.

“I’m so sorry mama,” he said.

“Don’t apologise, don’t ever apologise Matteo, what you went through was awful, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I hate the idea that you were so alone, that you had no one whilst you were going through this. I’m so sorry you felt there was only one way out,” she said.

All he could do was nod, he felt so relieved that she knew, and that she didn’t hate him or think he was a terrible and selfish son.

“And you’re doing so well now, and I’m so proud of you sweetheart,” she said.

“I love you, mama,” he whispered.

“I love you too sweetheart, so much. I’m so glad you’re alright, that you’re here and you’re safe. Matteo, I’ve missed you so much and I’m so grateful you still want to see me after everything,” she said.

“I never wanted to leave you, mama,” he said.

“I know but you had to, and that’s ok,” she insisted.

“I love you, mama,” he said again.

He needed to make sure she knew. She nodded and pulled him into another hug. He clung to her, he never wanted to let go.

“I love you too my precious boy. So much," she said, whispering the words into his hair.

He couldn’t believe he had avoided this for so long. He should have known she would understand. How could he have stayed away from her for such a long time? 

But he’d been so afraid, and that had led to doubts. And he had needed to heal and she had needed to get better too. But he was back now and they could work on mending their relationship. He wanted that more than anything, to be as close as they once were. To be a family again, just the two of them this time, without the shadow of his father spoiling things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Matteo is healing, mending all his relationships. He's on good terms with everyone from his past now. He's moving forward in his journey, letting go of the things he's been holding onto from the past. So now it's time to talk to David. He will soon!
> 
> Thank you everyone for all the comments, they're all so lovely and inspire me to keep writing, I appreciate every single one. I'm so glad people are enjoying this story. It's come to mean a lot to me. Everything I write is important to me, but this story just feels special to me.
> 
> [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	7. you're only here 'cause i'm winning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo talks to Hans. Matteo talks to nonna. Matteo talks to David. Finally.

Despite what he’d told Sara on Sunday, and Jonas and Hanna on Monday, he was still avoiding David. Which was hard to do because he’d seen him in the courtyard every day that week. Matteo assumed he’d been waiting for Leonie or Sara, or someone else, but twice now Matteo had seen him sit there for an hour, then get up and leave. Not that Matteo had been watching or anything. 

Matteo was so confused. Who was he waiting for? Who wasn’t showing up? He was so tempted to go over and sit with him, keep him company while he waited, but he didn’t dare. So he just watched from afar.

He needed to talk to Hans. It was the fifth time he’d seen David on campus and his feet had almost carried him over to him, against his will. Sara had said that David was in love with him. That was obviously bullshit. Hanna and Jonas had said to talk to him but it wasn’t that easy. 

But Matteo missed him. Even though David wasn't into him, maybe they could try being friends? Surely that was better than the alternative. But there was a tiny part of Matteo that kept asking, what if Sara  _ was _ right? what if David was in love with him? It couldn't be true, could it? 

He needed advice, which meant he needed to talk to Hans.

He knocked on the door, hoping that Hans didn’t have company.

“Enter,” Hans called out.

Matteo walked in, Hans was sorting clothes, folding them and sorting them into piles.

“Hey,” Matteo said, he shoved one of the piles aside and flopped onto the bed.

“Hey! I just sorted that,” Hans complained.

But he still smiled at him. 

“Mmm.”

“What’s up? Doing ok? The second week of school is almost over. Oh, I feel like a proud papa,” he said, clutching at his chest and wiping away mock tears.

“Better than my actual papa,” Matteo grumbled.

“Have you spoken to him?”

“Mm, when I got back, just to let him know, sort out money and stuff. That’s all he cares about, money and appearances.”

“Sorry butterfly,” Hans said, sitting down beside him.

Matteo shrugged.

“So what can I do for you? Just want company?”

“Advice actually,” Matteo admitted.

“Advice, oh my? Oh is it time? Is there a boy? Do we need to have the talk? Oh, I’m not ready, I didn’t realise this day would come so soon. You’re all grown up!” he rambled.

“Please stop,” Matteo didn’t usually mind Hans’ theatrics but he was on edge.

He wanted to talk about David but if he stalled then he would never do it. Hans looked at him and frowned.

“You’re stressing, what’s going on?” he asked.

“Do you remember David?” Matteo asked.

An unreadable expression crossed his face and he shifted closer to Matteo where he lay. Matteo thought it might be anger but he wasn’t sure.

“Why are you pulling that face?” Matteo asked.

“He kept coming here, after you’d gone to Italy, looking for you, wanting to say sorry,” Hans told him.

Now he was just confused.

“Sorry for what?”

“I don’t know, I was pretty fucked up by what happened so I just kept sending him away,” Hans said.

“I don’t understand why would he come here? He told me he wasn’t into me, made it pretty clear,” Matteo said.

“Ok?”

“But I still like him,” Matteo admitted.

“Ah,” Hans said, smiling knowingly.

“And I don’t know what to do,” Matteo said.

Hans waited.

“Sara says he’s in love with me, which obviously can’t be true but… no, it can’t be true, she’s just being silly,” he said.

Because it just couldn’t be true.

“Actually Matteo he seemed pretty devastated when he found out you’d left,” Hans told him.

“But why? He wasn’t into me, he literally told me to leave him alone,” Matteo argued.

"Well maybe he was scared," Hans suggested. 

That made no sense, David was the brave one, Matteo was the one who was always afraid. 

"Of me?" he asked. 

"Of a relationship maybe?" Hans said. 

He patted Matteo's knee until he looked up. He smiled proudly at him when he did. 

"Did you hear what happened to him? At school?" Matteo asked him. 

"He was outed Mia told me, your PE teacher or something," Hans said. 

"Yeah there was a video," Matteo said. 

Matteo remembered getting it, it was one of the only clear moments he had from those few months. He remembered being so angry for David that he almost broke his phone again. But he'd had no idea that David had actually been at school when it had circulated. That he'd run away. 

He'd seen that later the same day when he'd checked the group chat for the first time in a month. He'd felt sick with the injustice of it all. But there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't even get out of bed to eat. David didn't need someone like him. 

"That was really shitty, poor David," Hans said. 

"Yeah I text him saying I was sorry that it happened and that I still thought he was cool or something, I don’t remember I was pretty out of it by then," he said. 

It had taken all the energy he'd had to send that text, he didn't even think about what he was writing he just wanted to make David feel ok. He knew he must be hurting and he wanted to do what he could to help. 

"Well, maybe that's why," Hans suggested. 

"What?" 

"Maybe he was worried about how you would react to him being trans," he explained. 

"Yeah, I thought that too, I er… I told Anke, my therapist, when it came up. When I told her about the party and David, and she said that too but…" 

"But?" 

"To me, the other option makes more sense," he said. 

"That he’s not into you?" Hans asked. 

"Yeah because why would he be?" he asked. 

He grabbed one of Hans' pillows and covered his face. He felt like hiding. When Hans tried to pull it from his face he resisted for a moment before allowing him to take it away. 

"One day you’re going to see how wonderful you are Matteo I promise, but for now try to ignore those awful thoughts," Hans said. 

That was a lot easier said than done, but he appreciated the sentiment. 

"How would you have reacted by the way?" Hans asked. 

“Shittily probably, I always say the wrong thing. I would have probably scared him away or something. I don't know, I'll never know but look how I was with you, I always say shitty things," he said. 

"But you do it out of ignorance not meanness and you learn when you’re called out," he said kindly. 

"It doesn’t matter to me though David being trans, like it changes nothing for me. I still love him and-”

Hans dramatically placed a hand on his heart and wiped away a fake tear.

“Stop it," Matteo muttered, “I still think he’s amazing, if he’d gotten the chance to come out to me, like I probably would have said stupid shit, or nothing at all because my brain just freezes sometimes, but it wouldn’t have changed anything. Look it’s been over two years and I’m still in love with him, even though I knew him like three or four weeks?"

“Good god you  _ have _ to talk to him,” Hans said.

"He’ll crush me," Matteo whispered. 

"No, you know what I really don’t think he will. Do you trust me?" Hans asked. 

"Yeah," he said. 

"Talk to him ok?" 

He appreciated Hans' advice he really did. And when he said he trusted him he meant it. That didn't make it any less terrifying. 

He flopped down onto his own bed and grabbed his phone, dialling his grandmother. 

She answered after two rings. 

"I'm going to talk to David tomorrow," he said immediately. 

"Why hello to you too Matteo," she said. 

But she wasn't annoyed, she knew how sometimes he just needed to jump straight into it, or he'd bottle it and lose his nerve. 

"Ok, so what's the plan?" she asked. 

"No plan, I don't know. I have no idea what to do or say, but I  _ have _ to talk to him," Matteo said. 

"Are you going to get him flowers?" 

"Nonna this is serious," he whined. 

"Ok Matteo ok," she said gently. "Here's what you're going to do. You're going to approach him, you're going to say hello and then you're just going to talk," she said. 

How was that helpful at all? He'd called her for advice, because she was the smartest woman he knew, and she'd had a successful forty-eight-year relationship with his grandfather. And that was the advice she had? Talk to him? He already knew that. 

He just groaned. 

"Now now, hear me out young man," she warned. 

He sighed but didn't say anything. 

"You're going to just talk to him ok? That's all you need to do, stop overthinking it. Matteo, you have told me time and time again how this boy made you feel understood for the first time in your life. That it was easy to talk to him, that you'd never felt like that before. That kind of connection on that level doesn't just fade away, it won't have diminished just because you've been away. When you find something like that, when you make that sort of connection it's forever. I think you'll find the moment you speak to him it will be as if no time has passed at all," she said. 

And  _ that _ was good advice. He believed her too. Because even though he'd pretty much blocked out that evening with Sara shouting at him, he remembered how comfortable it was to be near David again. How easily he'd calmed down in his presence. There was definitely something there between them. He needed David in his life in whatever way he was willing to be. 

"Thanks, nonna," he said. 

"Anytime patatino," she said. "Now go get your man!" 

"I mean I'm going to do it tomorrow, not right now. But I'll let you know," he promised. 

Tomorrow he was going to talk to David.

He was going to do it. David was right there with his back to him. Matteo was going to talk to him. Or throw up on his shoes he wasn’t sure yet. 

He could do this, he could be confident. He could be charming. 

“Looking for someone?” he asked, dropping down beside David.

It was almost smooth.

“Shit!” David said, jumping out of his skin.

“Hey,” Matteo said, smiling at him. He couldn’t help it.

“You, I was looking for you,” David admitted.

But that wasn't what he was expecting to hear. He was already thrown by David's admission and halfway to becoming a stuttering mess.

“Oh?”

He was feeling confused, he wanted to speak to David but why did David want to speak to him? It didn't make sense, maybe he wanted to remind Matteo to stay away? He felt even more nervous now. But if David wanted him to leave him alone he would. He'd learnt his lesson. 

“I wanted to say sorry,” David said.

Why was David sorry? He hadn’t done anything wrong. Perhaps he was apologising for Sara’s behaviour the other night. Because they were friends and he felt bad. He didn't need to though, Sara had already apologised. 

“Sorry?” Matteo asked.

“Just if it was my fault, what happened with you. If it was because of the texts I sent, if they caused you to-”

“Stop stop stop,” Matteo whispered.

This wasn’t right, he wasn’t supposed to think that. It wasn't David's fault. He was never even supposed to find out, why did he have to be there when Sara had confronted him? Now he was here pitying poor Matteo, thinking he’d driven him over the edge with a nasty text message. He wasn’t in love with him at all. Sara was wrong. He just felt guilty.

But Matteo had to clear things up. He couldn’t let David think that it had been his fault. No one deserved those kinds of thoughts. That kind of guilt. He reached out and grabbed his shoulder, he couldn’t help it. When he pulled his hand back he stared at it, not quite believing what he’d done.

“No David, it wasn’t your fault,” he whispered, shaking his head.

He hated this, hated that he was responsible for the way David was feeling right now. David should never be sad. He’d made so many people so sad with his actions. He’d been so selfish.

“But I sent them and then you- you- you-”

He was panicking, Matteo knew how this felt. He had to stop him spiralling, he had to explain. But for some reason he couldn’t. The idea of explaining everything to David felt impossible. He could tell Hans, Jonas, Amira, hell even Sara. But David was different. David listened to him like no one else, David saw him. David would understand and he didn’t know if he could handle feeling that raw. But if he didn’t David would keep blaming himself and he couldn’t have that. It wouldn’t be fair.

“David?” Matteo said.

He pushed against David’s shoulder again, until he turned to face him. He wouldn’t look up, staring at his hands.

“Yeah?”

Matteo sucked in a breath.

“I have depression. Persistent depressive disorder. I’ve had it since I was fourteen, according to my doctors. When you met me, I was in the middle of an episode or something, I don’t even think you can call something that lasts that long an episode. But it’d been a fucking long year. And no offence but you were a fantastic distraction, but… it didn’t change anything really. I… I tried to kill myself because I just couldn’t bear being alive any more,” he said.

Fuck it was out there now. He didn’t even get the chance to talk to him about normal stuff. He'd ruined everything. Again. David knew everything now. 

There went all Matteo’s hopes of something, even friendship was probably out of the question now. David would just accept that it wasn’t his fault, that Matteo was just some depressed loser and finally be able to move on. Matteo wanted to cry.

“But if I hadn’t sent those texts, if I hadn’t pushed you away,” David argued.

Was he not explaining it? Or was David not listening?

“I doubt it would have made any difference, or I dunno it would have taken longer but I’m pretty sure what happened was inevitable, I'd been thinking about it a long time,” Matteo admitted.

Fifteen, he’d been fifteen when he first thought about it, first realised how unbearable life was and how few options he had. When he finally figured out that the way he was not going to go away. He never did anything. But those thoughts had come back every time things got bad at home. When he felt like there was no other escape. 

Two years ago had been his first and only attempt though. He’d never felt as bad as he did that week. At the time it felt like he’d finally realised things were never going to get better for him. That misery and loneliness were all he had, all he deserved and it was going to be that way for the rest of his life. He rubbed his wrists, it was a nervous habit he’d picked up. He was conscious of his scars, afraid someone would see them. He hated them, never looked at them if he could help it.

“What did happen?” David asked.

He couldn’t do this now, he couldn’t it would break him. He would burst out crying right there in the courtyard. But he kind of wanted to, he wanted to explain, let David see the full picture, see all of him. And if David couldn’t handle it then maybe Matteo could finally let him go. 

Matteo looked at his phone, stalling.

“It’s a long story,” he said quietly.

“I have time,” David offered.

Matteo glanced at him, he didn’t seem like he wanted to run away from him. He seemed concerned, like he cared. Cared about him.

“I don’t… er sorry… I can’t skip class. If I miss one lecture then it’ll be another and then I’ll be exactly where I was,” Matteo said.

That was a lie, an exaggeration but he couldn't do this yet, he just needed a bit more time.

“Oh, yeah then I guess you’d better go,” David said, he seemed so disappointed.

Matteo nodded and stood up. David stood up too, for a second Matteo though he was going to grab him, but his hands remained by his side.

“We can meet up after?” Matteo offered, if David was going to leave him, Matteo would take what he could get while he still could. He just needed a bit of time to sort his thoughts.

“Yeah,” David agreed, nodding enthusiastically.

Matteo smiled at him, rubbing the back of his neck. He reminded David where he lived and made arrangements to meet that evening. Then he got out of there, he just needed a couple of hours by himself first. He could do this. David would come over and they would talk. It was what he wanted, so why did he feel so terrified?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Matteo has spoken to David. Finally. Now it's time for them to talk it out, from Matteo's point of view this time. Get in his head and see all those doubts and work through them.
> 
> Thank you everyone for the comments and kudos on this fic, it means so much to me to see that people are enjoying the story. It's grown a lot from the original epilogue that it was supposed to be, but I wanted to explore Matteo's state of mind, both in the present and the past. Dive into what was going on in his head and why things played out the way they did because it's a heavy topic, and it's more than just a story point. I wanted to do it justice, and not just have it be for the drama. Plus it's just very easy for me to explore Matteo's thoughts and write them. I don't know what that says about me!
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	8. they tell me i've got something more

David obviously wasn't coming over. Matteo had scared him away. He wasn’t surprised, he would probably run a mile if someone unloaded all that on him. He was laying on the sofa, Hans had just left and he was all alone in the living room. He would stay there so that he didn't lock himself in his room. That was growth, right? Hopefully, Linn would be home soon. 

There was a knock at the door, he sighed and forced himself up off the couch. It was probably Hans.

“Hans if you’ve forgotten your keys-” when he finally looked up he realised it was David. “Oh er… hey,” he said. 

This was already going great, David was here and he'd snapped at him. 

But David just smiled at him, so Matteo stepped back and let him in. He brushed passed Matteo as he went to take off his shoes and jacket. Matteo couldn't help but shiver, hopefully it wasn't noticed. 

“I kind of figured you weren’t coming,” Matteo said as they walked into the living room.

“I’ve been outside for half an hour,” David admitted. 

Matteo stared at him, confused. He tried to remember the past thirty minutes. Had David buzzed? Hans had been singing but he wasn’t that loud, Matteo was sure he would’ve heard the buzzer. Between them, someone would've answered. 

“Did you buzz? Or you could’ve texted,” he said.

“No, I was just panicking. I figured you would’ve had my number blocked though,” David said.

Matteo knew he deserved that, their last few texts had been pretty one-sided, at first Matteo simply unable to keep contact with David. By the time he was, it was too late, but Matteo would never block him. Just to hang on to that last bit of hope that David was braver than him. 

“Er… no? The only person I have blocked is my dad,” he said, “and that depends on the day.”

It depended on how much of an asshole he was being at any given time. Well not an asshole, just not a good father either. It was usually only for a few days at a time. Anke condoned it, knowing how worked up his dad made him sometimes. Blocking his calls gave him a time out from all that.

Matteo led David over to the sofas and flopped down where he’d been laying before, he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling rather than David. He couldn't look at him right now, he was all kinds of nervous. His heart was pounding in his chest. He clenched his hands into fists and shoved them in his pockets to stop them from shaking. 

“How were your classes?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged, he was struggling already, and today hadn't helped, he’d been distracted all afternoon, nervous about having David over. Nervous about what he was going to say. Afraid that after David would leave and never speak to him again. 

“Boring,” he said, “or not boring, I just… sometimes I struggle with focusing,” he explained.

Way to endear himself to David, not only was he depressed he was going to screw up his classes, fail the year. A total loser, not exactly a catch for anyone. David was successful, he was good at school, he didn't want to be stuck with a waste of space, someone like him. Someone who was probably going to take six years to graduate, if at all. 

David just nodded at him, didn't seem put off by it. Still, it was best to get this over with.

“So I suppose we should talk,” he said.

“Yeah,” David said.

Matteo still couldn’t look at him, he focused on the ceiling, counting the cracks. There was a worrying amount, but right now that wasn't his problem. 

“I’m sorry for how you found out at the party. I didn’t realise anyone else knew, like I guess Kiki found out from Hanna or… I don’t know…” he trailed off.

He didn't know how Sara had found out. The only people he'd told were Jonas and his mother. Hans, Linn, and Mia knew because they were there when it happened. He'd told Jonas to tell Hanna and Amira, Abdi and Carlos, because he couldn't. The others would have found out though. 

Kiki knew because she was so careful with him that time she came over. He didn't think she would tell Sara. He supposed he should ask her but to be honest he didn't care. 

He was supposed to plan what he was going to say to David, but instead, he’d spent most of the afternoon allowing Hans to distract him by making him help him choose outfits for his date. It had been fun, Matteo had made more and more outrageous suggestions until Hans had kicked him out. He'd ended up in the first outfit Matteo had chosen though. 

But now he was struggling to say what he needed because he hadn't planned it. He'd never been good at just winging it. It always went wrong for him. Still he had very little choice right now. 

“Er… it was never really anything to do with you, like I said I was depressed, and what happened had been building for a long time. So obviously the texts you sent were kinda mean but I didn’t try to kill myself because of them,” he said, fidgetting with his sleeves.

He’d talked about all this in therapy, the first time with Alice had been the hardest because it was all still happening. He had been deep in it and everything felt so raw. He had cried and screamed and sobbed and she'd listened to him so calm and patient. And it felt so good as he stumbled over his feelings in Italian with her. It was such a relief to tell her everything he'd been feeling since he was fourteen. But it had been terrible too, reliving it like that. 

With Anke it had been easier, she already knew everything, they went over it in far briefer terms. Both of them agreeing there was little point in dissecting the past over and over. It wouldn't help him move forward. 

This, with David, felt harder in some ways. Because Alice and Anke were strangers. Professionals. They were being paid not to judge him. Matteo had to have faith in David's kindness. He did though, or he wouldn't even be here right now. 

“Why did you?” David asked.

Why did he? That was a question he’d answered a hundred times by now. He still didn’t know fully. But he had a better idea now. It was his depression obviously. But it all came down to loneliness for him. More than loneliness, his grandmother told him once he was not a person built to be alone, and that he needed to surround himself with good people. He must never let himself isolate himself like that again. It was easier said than done. 

“I was alone, I stopped talking to anyone, locked myself in my room and refused to speak to Jonas or Amira or Hans. When I get like that I need to talk to people before I spiral but this time I refused, I screamed at everyone to leave me alone. I think because I was refusing to deal with what happened between us and what-”

“So it was my fault,” David said.

Maybe he’d been wrong about David listening and understanding him because he seemed to be struggling right now. Why wouldn't he just listen?

“No because there was also what happened at home, with my mama and papa, that was a whole fucking thing. And I was fucking traumatised although I didn’t realise it, like I just thought it was normal to freak out over loud noises and slamming doors. Anyway, I just couldn’t see any way of things getting better. I’d been sad for so long that I couldn't even face another day, because that was my life, that was all it was going to be.  You showed me what I was missing and then when it was all taken away again then I couldn’t bear it, it was like my depression was multiplied by a thousand,” he explained.

Suddenly he was being pulled upright, David gripping onto his shoulders, staring at him with wide shining eyes. Matteo blinked, dizzy from the sudden movement. 

“Matteo, how is this not my fault? I drove you to it-”

“No you didn’t,” Matteo said.

He couldn't think he couldn’t focus. Why had David grabbed him like that? His head was getting foggy. He needed to focus. He should’ve planned what he was going to say. He was upsetting David. He needed to stop. 

David wasn’t giving him time to sort his thoughts. 

God, he was tired.

“You literally just said-”

“David even if it were the texts that made me do it, even if you’d been even shittier about it all, it still wouldn’t have been your fault, you didn’t know what was going on with me, you were not responsible for my mental health,” he explained.

Because it wasn't fair for David to put this on himself. He'd been going through shit too and he hadn’t resorted to such extremes. Because David wasn’t pathetic like he was. David had a handle on his issues. 

“But I hurt you. I was scared and stupid and I hurt you,” David said.

They had both been so afraid, so scared and lonely.

“Yeah you did hurt me, but like you said, you were scared,” Matteo said.

“I’m so sorry,” David whispered, he was crying now.

Matteo sighed, he'd told him. David knew as much as he was willing to share right now. As hard as that was he felt relieved at the same time. The explanation was over, he’d never have to do that again, David would never make him talk about that again.

David hadn't run yet. He sat down next to him instead.

“My memory is a bit fucked, but I’m pretty sure you asked for space and I didn’t listen,” Matteo said.

He should never have gone over, the few times he’d ever been quick to react, things had always gone wrong. He’d put himself in David’s shoes several times over the years. Tried to imagine being scared, and just wanting more time, but instead being confronted. Of course, David had reacted badly.

“Yeah but-”

“So I pushed and you reacted, you panicked,” Matteo said.

David nodded.

“How are you doing now?” he asked.

This he could talk about. This was easier. He hated dwelling on the past. The future was hard for him too, but he could just about manage the present.

“Better, it’s been a long journey. And it’s been a hell of an adjustment coming back. But I’ve got a new therapist here and I’m settling ok. It’s a lot though, being around so many people again,” Matteo explained.

“Why did you come back?” David asked.

“My nonna was getting fed up of me,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

Matteo startled when David reached out and took hold of his wrists so gently. Stopping his nervous fidgeting. He knew, he knew what was under his sleeves and he held Matteo with such care. Matteo shuddered, he couldn’t help it, but he didn’t pull away, the warmth spreading from David’s hands was so comforting, calming.

“When I… when I hurt myself my father came back and practically dragged me to Rome. I was there for maybe a month, not getting any better and then my grandmother found out. She came and got me, took me back to her farmhouse in Barga, I’ve been there ever since.”

Matteo didn’t even remember that first month, he was so out of it, the days all bled into one another. He had completely blanked out, not responding to his father’s frustrated yelling at all. He’d just laid on the sofa for weeks on end. He didn’t even remember his grandmother showing up, or the car journey to Barga. He did remember her face though, in vague flashes. He remembered because he’d never seen her so afraid before.

“Did it help?” David asked.

He remembered the relief of the first day he woke up at the farmhouse and the darkness had cleared, the knots in his stomach had untwisted. He hadn’t even noticed it, he’d gotten up on autopilot and went to the kitchen to make breakfast, at three in the morning. His grandmother had woken, found him there, and started to cry. That’s when he’d realised it was ending. He hadn't been cured, he’d relapsed countless times, but he’d worked on it, with her support he’d gotten to a place where he was so much happier with himself.

“She made me see a doctor. Papa was just trying to get me to snap out of it, he doesn’t believe in depression, or thinks it’s just something you get over. But nonna is smart. She made me get help, she made me help myself. She made me work every day and keep a structure to my day. It took over a year but one day I woke up and realised I was happy with myself for the first time in about six years,” he said.

“So she kicked you out?” David asked.

“Nah she made me apply for school, told me I was too smart to be a farmer,” Matteo said.

“I can see you as a farmer,” David said, nudging his shoulder against Matteo’s.

He was so warm, everywhere they touched warmth spread through Matteo. He felt exhausted, all he wanted to do was curl up against David. All he wanted to do was go to sleep.

“It’s not a bad life, and if I fail all my exams I can always go back,” Matteo said, shrugging.

“You won’t fail,” David said.

“Nah I know. I get special credits because I’m mentally ill,” he said darkly. 

Even if he did fail his exams they'd probably let him pass. Amira had explained that that wasn't the case, that his grades were just more dependent on the good work he managed during the year, but still. 

“That’s not why, Matteo your grandmother is right, you are smart, you’ve got this,” David said.

What was he talking about? Did he not remember high school? He’d hardly been on track to succeed at Abi, he doubted he would’ve passed any exams. But then David didn’t really know him, did he? He probably just had this idea of him, built up from the couple of memories he had.

“You don’t know that David, you don’t really know me at all,” Matteo reminded him.

“I remember that you set up a switch emulator on your pc, I know how hard that is,” David said grinning at him. “But I’d like to know you better Matteo, more than anything,” he added. 

Matteo stared at him for a moment.

“Why?”

“I never wanted to push you away, I was scared, you know why don’t you?”

“Because you didn’t know how to tell me you were trans?” Matteo guessed.

“All I wanted was a bit more time, but not this much,” David said, laughing darkly, “I wanted to tell you so badly.”

He’d certainly gotten time. Two years of it. It had all gone so wrong.

“You got time then I guess, I’m sorry that I pushed you, and that you never got to tell me yourself. I don’t know how I would’ve been, I probably would’ve said the wrong thing, scared you away. But I don’t… it… you being trans wouldn’t have changed anything for me. I know this, I’ve had time to think about it, and if things were different, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. No, it would have mattered, but not as a bad thing? Does that make sense?”

Matteo watched David nod. He still seemed upset, but Matteo was unsure why. Himself? He just felt relieved. He knew he hadn’t wanted to tell David, explain it all, but now that he had it felt so much better. It had been the same with his mother. He hadn’t realised how much keeping it all in had been eating up at him. Even if they never spoke of it again. They knew.

“If things were different? Did you ever… did you meet anyone in Italy?” David asked, looking sadly at his hands where they still held Matteo’s wrists.

Matteo hadn’t even realised he still had hold of him. Usually, he couldn’t stand touch there, but from David, it was a comfort because he’d always felt safe with him. David wouldn’t hurt him. David was safe.

He laughed at the question because Sara had asked the same thing. Did they not remember him at all? Did they really think he was capable of starting anything with anyone? The idea was hilarious to him. 

“David I was working on a farm in the middle of nowhere,  _ and _ I was focussing on getting better,” he told him.

To be honest, he’d spent a considerable amount of time covered in mud and horse muck, so he was hardly going to be attractive to the locals, even if he did dare talk to them. But he’d stayed away, mostly talking to his grandmother. His grandmother had tried countless times to get him to go to town. Had even taught him to drive so he could go by himself. He had a few times, he was in Italy, he should try and appreciate it. But he kept to himself.

David finally looked up at him.

“And now?”

Why was he asking? And so hopefully. Maybe he still wanted- no Matteo wasn't even going to entertain that thought. Perhaps David just wanted to set him up with someone? That made more sense. He and Sara were friends. Maybe he needed to start avoiding Sara and David from now on.

“I dunno, it’s not a good idea. I’m still not well you know? And I never will be. I’d just be a burden on anyone I tried to date, it’s better if I don’t bother,” he said.

“No that’s not true,” David argued.

That’s what everyone always said. But they couldn’t know, none of them had ever seen it first hand. What that kind of burden does to a relationship. Matteo had. He’d watch what it had done to his parents, and he never wanted to put anyone through that. He never wanted to turn someone like David into a man like his father.

“David-”

“Yes Matteo, those texts I sent, I was panicking because I knew I needed to tell you the truth. I needed to tell you I was trans but I wasn’t ready. I liked you so much, I needed to tell you despite the risk. I needed you to know all of me… Matteo, I still like you so much. But I understand if you hate me,” David said.

Was David really that stupid? Hate him? Like that was ever possible.

“I never hated you,” Matteo said, frowning at him.

“I… never?”

“Of course not, David I already told you, you did nothing wrong,” Matteo said.

“I sent those-”

“Stop with the fucking texts,” Matteo said.

He pulled his hands free of David’s and felt cold immediately, but he’d been still for too long and he needed to fidget. David was being so dumb and frustrating. He pulled at his hair in irritation. He wasn’t used to having to explain things to David like this, usually, he just got it.

“I wish I'd never sent them,” he said.

Why wouldn’t he just let it go? But Matteo knew really because guilt was not something you could just switch off. People kept telling him not to feel guilty over what had happened but he still did. He probably always would. Still, he could help David as best as he could.

“I know ok? Please stop feeling so guilty,” he said, “give me your phone.”

He held out his hand and tried to convey as best he could that he wasn’t going to back down.

David frowned at him but handed it over.

Matteo took it and found David’s message history with him. He selected the offending texts and deleted them. 

“There, let it go,” he said handing it back.

“I’ll try,” David said.

Matteo felt pretty much done, he felt more exhausted than after one of his therapy sessions. He leant back against the back of the sofa, he could just sleep, David would probably go soon, and then he could just crash there for the next few days. He was done. It had taken everything to have that conversation. 

But he didn’t want David to go yet. He was terrified that once he did, once David left he wouldn’t see him again. He needed to hold onto him, for just a bit longer.

He braced himself and managed to muster up more energy than he knew he possessed to turn to David.

“Wanna make sandwiches?” he said, smiling slightly at the memory of that day.

David nodded, so Matteo stood up and held out his hand and pulled David to the kitchen. He knew he was being stupid, ridiculous, but David was here. David might never be here again.

When he tried to move away to the fridge, David, who still had hold of his hand, held tight, refusing to let go. 

“Matteo,” he whispered, trying to pull him closer.

He really did seem to still want him. Even after everything he’d just heard. Even after Matteo explained what it was like for him. Even after he’d made it clear he would be nothing but a burden. He still wanted him. Perhaps that should be a comforting thought, but it wasn’t. Matteo was terrified.

He shook his head. 

“I can’t,” he whispered, “I’m scared.”

David just stared at him for a moment and then let go of his hand. Matteo couldn’t read his expression, but he seemed almost determined. Matteo just smiled weakly and opened the fridge. 

David began setting up the bread and took the cheese when Matteo offered it to him.

“I don’t have any whipped cream,” Matteo joked.

He was only half focused on what they were doing, his mind back on the first time he’d done this. It had been the first time he’d laughed like that in over a year. The first time he’d felt so happy, ever.

“Ketchup?” David asked, startling him back to the present.

Matteo nodded and handed it over, grabbing the mustard too.

“Got any pickles?” David asked.

Matteo laughed because David remembered too. He felt giddy with it. He grabbed the jar and handed it over to David. Who almost dropped the jar, fumbling with it. He was too busy just staring at Matteo.

Matteo looked away, blushing. Even his ears were red now. He continued to stare as the sandwiches toasted, and Matteo continued to stand there getting redder and redder. His entire face felt like it was on fire. But he liked it, liked being under David’s gaze.

“Shame it’s missing the whipped cream,” David said when Matteo handed him his sandwich.

Matteo laughed again, he’d not laughed this much in a long time. Certainly not without immediately breaking down and crying straight after due to his fucked-up emotions. But he wasn’t going to cry tonight. He was happy. Here with David, he was happy and safe. Even if he did start to cry David would probably get it. Matteo was starting to realise David wasn’t going to leave. Not yet at least. That expression on his face really was determination, determination to stay. With him. He knew it wouldn’t work, Matteo was not the boy who got a happy ending, but he would take what he could get right now.

He wondered if he asked for time, if he told David he wasn’t ready  _ yet _ , David would give it to him. Would David wait for him? Right now he thought he might. And the idea was almost overwhelming, Matteo almost felt dizzy with it.

He watched nervously as David placed his sandwich down on the counter. Then he took Matteo’s sandwich too.

Matteo stood frozen, staring at him. He couldn’t move. David stepped closer. He was moving so slowly, taking so much care with him, and Matteo felt treasured and so wanted.

“I know you’re scared, and I know it’s partly my fault,” he said, so gently.

“It’s not a good idea David,” Matteo whispered, he had to make that clear. He wanted this so badly, but he needed David to understand.

“Why not?” David asked.

He was being so tender with him that Matteo wanted to cry. But he wasn’t sad at all.

“Because I’m better but I’m still fucked up, you deserve more-”

“Please don’t tell me what I deserve. I want you, I never stopped wanting you Matteo,” David insisted.

Matteo couldn’t even look at him, he was terrified to see whatever expression was on his face.

“I can’t,” he whispered.

He watched his feet, David took one more step closer, so that their toes were touching. He was so close. And Matteo couldn’t hold back anymore. There was nowhere he wanted to be apart from in David’s arms. So he stopped fighting and his body fell forward into David’s waiting arms. David caught him and pulled him close. Crushing him against him. Matteo couldn’t breathe but he didn’t care, because it had been two years since he’d been held like this. Two years since he’d felt so safe in the arms of the boy he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They've finally talked now its time to heal. And they will. Still a little way to go yet, but they'll get there.
> 
> Thank you again for all the kudos and comments, it really makes my day to see people enjoying the story.
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	9. but i don't want the lights to find me when i'm dark and lost

The next morning David somehow convinced Matteo to let him walk him to therapy. It had been nice, the company. David had chattered away the entire walk, about film school, movies, Sara and Leonie. Laura. He didn’t seem to mind that Matteo couldn’t speak. Just walking along listening to him talking was nice, almost preferable to blocking out the world with his headphones. Matteo always got anxious before his sessions. David being there didn't make that go away, but it still felt good. 

There was a moment when Matteo just wanted to reach out and take his hand. He desperately wanted to. But he couldn't make himself, so he kept them shoved in his pockets, fists clenched tightly. 

David had dropped him off in front of the building and just nodded when Matteo had told him not to wait. Told him to text him, told him he wanted to see him again and soon. That determination was there again. 

Now he was sitting in front of Anke, his therapist. He liked her. He’d only been seeing her for a few weeks since getting back to Berlin. He had been nervous at first, the idea of changing therapists was one of the reasons he didn’t want to come back. His first therapist in back Italy, Alice, had been so good for him. He was terrified changing would just set him back. But Alice had sorted everything, she’d drawn up an extensive mental health plan, got him an understanding doctor, Dr Fischer, who he would see once a month for his prescriptions with minimal fuss. 

She’d had him speak to Anke over the phone several times in the month before he moved back. And then Alice had then called several times since he moved to check-in. He knew she'd been in contact with both Dr Fischer and Anke as they both seemed to know how to handle him from the start. It probably should bother him but it didn't. 

The move had been seamless.

Alice had always been gentle and patient with him, allowing him to come to his own realisations at his own pace. Dr Fischer, Matteo really ought to find out his name, was very similar. Gentle with him, but didn't treat him like he was breakable. Matteo appreciated that. 

Anke was different. Anke was a bit more pushy, a bit more demanding of him. She was rude to him too, but he liked it, he needed that push, that snap. Now that he was at uni, and had a lot more going on in his life he needed it. Someone who was a bit more no-nonsense. Someone blunt and straight to the point. 

“So you and David have cleared the air?” she asked, as soon his he mentioned the previous evening, getting straight to the point.

Anke already knew all about David, because it was one of his fears and she'd made him talk about it. He'd told her everything, just like his nonna and Alice before. Once he started talking about David sometimes it was like he couldn't stop. 

And Anke had been another one of the people who convinced him to put the past behind him and approach David to sort things out. Told him just living daydreaming about the what-ifs wasn't going to get him anywhere. 

“Yeah,” Matteo mumbled, fiddling with his sleeves.

“And how do you feel now?” she asked.

“About David?”

“We’ll get back to David in a minute, how do you feel in yourself?”

“Scared… afraid,” he admitted.

"Ok? Scared or anxious?" She asked. 

"Just scared," Matteo said. 

“Scared of?”

"You said we couldn't talk about it yet," Matteo reminded her with a small grin. 

That's another thing he liked about Anke, she liked it when he was cheeky. She would never admit it but Matteo could tell. Alice had always laughed at his jokes, almost fondly. But Anke always just pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow, like right now. Matteo could tell she was amused though. 

“I… David wants… I think… it doesn’t matter, I’m being stupid,” he mumbled.

He refused to look up at her now, focussing on the threads he’d pulled loose from his sleeve.

Anke waited and when he did finally glance up, she just stared back at him. 

“Ok so it almost seems like maybe David… maybe he wants to try again,” Matteo whispered.

“Well that’s not stupid at all. From what you’ve said about your evening, from everything you’ve told me I also got that impression,” she said.

“But why?”

“You know I can’t answer that. You’ll have to ask David on that one,” she said.

Matteo sighed. That was what he wanted to avoid. He was afraid of the answer. Because no matter what David had said last night, Matteo still didn't get it. 

“Ok,” he said.

“But it scares you?”

“Yeah because David probably thinks I'm better now right? Like I’m not that failing loser stoner kid from before,” Matteo said.

“And he would be right, you’re not and you never were. You were depressed and struggling,” she said.

That made him smile a little.

“But, like he’s so cool and he’s gonna be so successful, and I’ll just drag him down,” he said, flopping back against the chair.

“Matteo,” she warned.

“I know, I know, I’ve got to be positive about myself, but it's not that easy,” Matteo said.

“Well let’s try thinking of good things about your relationship with David,” she suggested.

Matteo snorted.

"What relationship?” he asked.

“Your potential relationship then,” she said, not biting. 

“He did say he wanted to see me again,” Matteo said.

“It sounds like he really wants to try again with you,” she said.

“Yes but…”

“And you have been completely transparent about your mental health? I know this is a big factor in you forming relationships,” she asked.

“Yeah I told him all about it,” Matteo said.

“And how did he respond?”

“He seemed to care?” Matteo said, unsure.

David had seemed so concerned about him last night, so patient with him this morning. But he was probably just a good person, he was just being kind.

“Don’t seem so surprised by that Matteo, I’m sure he does care,” she insisted.

Matteo sat forward, leaning on his knees.

“So you think I should try?” he asked.

“What do you want to do?”

He didn’t know, why couldn’t she decide for him? Well, he knew why. He knew what he wanted to do, but he was avoiding it because he didn’t want the disappointment when it turned out David wasn’t interested. Or even worse, he was until he realised how much effort it took being with someone like him.

“I… I… want to try but I’m scared,” he repeated.

“Well tell David that, be upfront about your worries,” she suggested.

It was easy to say, but harder to put into practice.

“Communication,” he said.

“Exactly it’s the key to a healthy relationship,” she agreed.

“Ok let’s move on from David, I think we can both agree that you need to talk and be open with each other. There is no point going over this again and again. You said you were scared, but how else are you feeling? How is school going? Are you keeping up?”

Usually, Matteo didn’t want to talk about school, but he was relieved for the change of topic.

“Exhausting,” he admitted.

“Yeah?” she asked, leaving room for him to elaborate.

Matteo sighed and looked at the clock. He still had ten minutes left so he wasn’t going to get away with it.

“Ok I’ve been distracted by this David thing, but even if I hadn’t been, it’s a lot, and…” he told her.

"And?" 

"I kinda keep losing track of time and my schedule is… slipping," Matteo admitted. 

And he knew it was wrong, should have brought it up, told someone. But instead, he'd ignored it. 

"Have you been skipping meds Matteo?" she asked, finally her stone face had dropped, replaced with concern. 

"Not skipping, forgetting, but I remember eventually. I've maybe missed three or four doses over the past few weeks," he admitted. 

"What about the reminders on your phone?" she asked. 

"No good if I sleep through them," Matteo mumbled. 

He was just so tired again, had been as soon as he landed. 

"Ok, so the tiredness is the problem. When are you most tired? During class?” she asked.

Matteo frowned, thinking about it. No, it wasn’t in class, he remembered what he told Amira and Hanna, about how being busy helped.

“During class I’m ok, it’s… the days I don’t have class. I just I can’t make myself get up you know? I wake up, but I just lay there, and the longer I’m there the more tired I feel and sometimes… sometimes the whole day is gone before I realise it,” he said.

He hated it, just laying there, unable to move, knowing he had to. No reason he couldn’t get out of bed and yet he couldn’t, not even to feed himself.

“So we talked about this a bit last week, you've lost a busy routine. Do you think you could handle more classes?”

“No, there’s already a lot of work,” Matteo said.

If he was already wasting his free time away, how would he keep up with a heavier workload?

“Outside of class?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said, nodding.

“But at the moment you’re unable to use your days off to do that work?”

She didn’t need to point that out, he knew he was useless.

“I know I need to get up, I know but I just can’t,” he said.

God, he was pathetic, but Anke didn’t seem annoyed. She smiled at him encouragingly.

“But you’re ok getting up for class?” she asked.

“Yes,” Matteo said, dropping his head into his hands.

“And you can get up, say if you've arranged to meet a friend?” 

Matteo just groaned, he knew where she was going with this.

“So you know you need to get up to do the work, how about you make plans with your friends to study or even just to hang out?” she suggested.

“I can’t do that to them,” he argued.

“Matteo you have so many people who care about you, they will want to” she insisted. 

“I can’t take all their time,” he said.

“You don’t have to, just a couple of hours of their time, if you have something later in the day to get up for you will,” she said.

That wouldn’t be so bad. If they were already studying, perhaps it wouldn’t be so much of a problem if he joined them.

“I’ll text Amira and Hanna I think,” he said.

After all, they'd said that they should make their coffee afternoons a regular thing.

“Good that’s good so we have a plan,” she said.

“Just in time too,” Matteo said, pointing at the clock

He liked Anke, but he was relieved this session was over, it had been a lot.

“You’re doing great Matteo,” she said. "I want you to see the doctor, get some blood work done for this tiredness. Just in case. Can you make an appointment?" 

He nodded. 

"I'll know if you haven't," she warned. 

“I will. Thanks, Anke,” he said.

Matteo left Anke’s office and headed back to the apartment. He felt a bit better after his appointment. Anke hadn’t dismissed his fears, she’d listened and given him advice. And he was going to follow it. He was going to talk to David, maybe he would cook him dinner, like a date.

But he still wasn’t sure, he still felt stupid. David had said to text him, that he wanted to hang out again soon. Was tonight too soon? It didn’t feel too soon for Matteo but he didn't trust himself.

He got back to his room and flopped onto his bed. His mind was spinning. He felt wiped out. Yesterday was a lot. Today was a lot. This was all so difficult, he didn’t know how to do this. Would David even want him, with how pathetic he was being? He was so dumb.

He laid back and closed his eyes, he was exhausted. He would just sleep for a while, then he would text David.

But on Monday he slept through his alarm, or it woke him but he ignored it. He was too tired to even shut it off, just let it ring louder and louder until it shut off altogether. Hans had stayed out all night, so wasn’t there to make him get up. Linn came in, but she didn’t make him get up, just asked if he wanted anything to eat.

He told her no. She asked if he wanted her to stay with him. He told her no, and she let him be. He wished he’d told her to stay.

On Wednesday Jonas came over. It didn’t go well. He was fussing over him, worried and nervous. It pissed Matteo off, to the point he screamed at Jonas to get out. Jonas looked at him like he was going to cry. He left but Matteo heard him moving around in the living room until Hans came home from work. He heard them talking about him.

Then Jonas left, but Hans stayed, came into his room, with food Matteo couldn’t eat, and he didn’t force him to. He just sat on the bed with Matteo, on his phone, not talking, just being quietly present with him. It didn’t really help, but it wasn’t unbearable. He was comfortable with Hans there. Or Linn. Jonas was too much, he could never hide his worry and all it did was make Matteo feel guilty. 

He didn’t even remember Thursday, he slept all day. At one point he woke up and Linn was sitting with him, stroking his hair. He didn’t remember much else.

On Friday he finally looked at his phone. As soon as he saw the messages from David he threw his phone across the room. But he aimed for the chair, and it landed softly.

It took another hour before he could drag himself from the bed and pick it up. And another half an hour before he could read the messages.

As he was reading a new message came in.

_ Hey Matteo, sorry if I’m bothering you, you can tell me to stop texting if you like, just could you let me know you’re ok? _

Why did he even care? Couldn’t he see how useless he was? He’d ignored him all week, why on earth was he still trying?

_ Sorry _

_ I’m not doing so good, sorry for leaving you on read. _

David’s reply came through instantly.

_ Are you alone? _

Maybe he did care, but Matteo didn’t understand.

_ Linn is with me, I’m just tired. _

It wasn’t a lie, Linn had been in twice already. Matteo felt guilty for wasting her time.

_ Can I come over? _

No, he couldn’t. David could never see him like this. He would be so disappointed. Matteo had told him he was doing better and now look at him.

_ No _

Matteo wanted to cry. He wanted David there, he wanted a hug. 

There was a knock at the door and Linn came in.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Not good, but you don’t have to keep coming in, you don’t need to keep wasting your time with me.”

“It’s not wasting my time Matteo, one I’m not doing anything today, and two I need to know you’re ok, just let me check in ok? I know you don’t want company today and I’ll leave you alone but I need to check on you, it’s for me not you,” she explained.

She made to leave

“Linn?”

“Yeah?”

“David texted me he keeps texting,” he said.

“Your boyfriend?” she asked.

“No not my boyfriend, I don’t even know what we are,” he said.

“But?”

“It won’t work,” Matteo said.

“That’s defeatist,” she said simply.

“Says you. He wants to come over,” Matteo told her.

“Do you want him to?”

“Yes? No? I don't know. I'm scared he will freak if he sees me like this,” Matteo explained.

“In bed?”

Matteo rolled his eyes. She was not funny.

“Depressed,” he muttered.

“I mean maybe, or maybe he won’t but you won’t _know_ unless you try,” she said.

Then she just left before he could argue, just walked out of the room.

Matteo stared at his phone. Hesitating.

_ Please come _

Then he tossed his phone aside and laid back down hoping he wasn't making a mistake. But he wanted David here with him. He needed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I promise that's it for the angst, there's still a couple of heavy conversations to go, and Matteo isn't going to magically get better, but he's getting there. They're very nearly on the same page now. They can work through it together and heal. They've got this.
> 
> I've said this a lot but I really appreciated all the kudos and comments, I really love this story and it's so nice to know others do too.
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	10. i wonder how it feels to burn out young

It felt like hours had passed as he sank further and further into the bed. The room slowly getting darker around him. Linn hadn't come back and he was getting scared. He'd told David to come, but he wasn't here. Matteo had no idea how much time had passed. He probably wasn't coming. Fed up of Matteo being hot and cold. 

But then suddenly David was there, crouching in front of him and stroking the damp sweaty hair from his face. He looked so worried, so afraid at what he was seeing that Matteo desperately wanted to reach out and brush the frown from his face. But he couldn't move. 

David was telling him that he wanted to be there, even after he'd seen him like this. Telling him he didn't want to leave but would if that's what Matteo needed right now. But that he wouldn't go far, that he'd be back when Matteo needed him. And that broke something in Matteo and he began to cry for the first time that week. He couldn’t hold it back, big ugly sobs, messy and devastating, but David was there. And David was wrapping him up in his arms, laying with him and holding him so tightly that he could barely breathe. But he didn’t care, because David was there. And he'd never felt safer. 

When he woke up again his head felt clear. But he knew this feeling, it wouldn't last, this wasn’t over yet but he was getting through it. He would fight it. He always did. He knew he needed to talk to David, while he could still think properly before the darkness came back.

David tried to stop him, and Matteo appreciated his concern, but he couldn’t postpone this. When he was ready to talk he just had to do it then and there if he put it off the conversation would never happen. And things needed to be said. 

“I want to. I want to talk now while my mind is clear, it’s gonna be foggy again soon,” he explained, warning David that this wasn’t yet over. “And I want to talk to you now. I wanted to talk to you on Monday when you texted me but I just couldn’t I just… after… I don’t…”

David just waited, encouraging him, but Matteo was already losing his nerve. Because this wasn’t going to be a fun conversation, and as kind and patient as David was he might still leave when Matteo explained how things really were and gave him an out.

“Take your time,” David said.

Matteo loved him so much, he was so gentle with him, he was still holding him carefully. As if he were made of glass. As if he was something so precious to him.

“I have a lot to say,” Matteo said.

David just nodded.

“Ok,” he said.

“I… I’m not good at talking a lot,” Matteo said.

And wasn’t that the understatement of the century?

“I’m listening though, whatever you want to say, I’ll listen,” David said.

Matteo believed him, he wanted to hear it, he wanted to listen to him.

“Ok just… give me a minute,” he said.

He rolled away from David and missed his protective embrace immediately, but he wouldn’t be able to do this in his arms, wouldn’t be able to focus, or be clear. He laid on his back and closed his eyes, taking in a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. His heart was already racing, and he was starting to feel sick. He could already feel the edges of the cloudiness starting to creep back into his mind. He was going to have to be quick.

He opened his eyes again but didn’t look at David. He couldn’t not if he wanted to get everything out.

“It started on Saturday,” he began.

“Not Friday?” David asked.

That made him frown slightly, and he thought back to their evening together. It had been perfect, everything he'd dreamed of since he got back. A second chance. He'd told David the truth and he hadn't left. The doubt hadn't set in until Saturday. 

“Nah it was after therapy, or during therapy. I er… I told Anke about you, and we talked about what you told me and I know we kinda settled things but I felt bad that I'd made you feel that way. I felt bad but Anke explained that I shouldn’t, that feeling guilty would stop me moving forward,” He said.

“She’s right. Just like what you said about the messages,” David said.

Matteo smiled, still staring up at the ceiling. David just got what he meant. His grandmother was right, they hadn’t lost that. Some deep understanding between them that he didn't think either of them would ever truly get. But they didn't need to, it was real. 

“Exactly we have to let this go I think. Both of us, what’s in the past is in the past. It happened and there's nothing we can do about it,” Matteo said.

He was making peace with it he realised. Because David was the last person he’d had to explain it to. No one else needed to know. That’s not to say he wouldn’t have to explain it to new people in the future. But everyone who knew him back then now understood what he’d been going through. And they all still cared about him so much. No one had left him. It had been his greatest fear. 

“Ok but then why did-”

“It doesn't quite work like that though. I came away from therapy all determined. I was going to call you over, I wanted to see you again. I wanted to cook for you and talk to you more. I really thought everything could be ok. But then I got into my head and then I started to doubt things. I started to think it would be cruel to invite you over, you'd seemed so keen-”

“I was keen, I am keen,” David said.

Matteo glanced at him now, smiling sadly. He believed him, David was telling the truth, he could see it now. David really did want this, it hadn’t been in his head after all. But wanting wasn't enough. 

“Yes, but don’t you see? How unfair that would be on you, having to deal with me,” Matteo said.

It was for the best, it would hurt less this way. David was shaking his head and reaching for him. But Matteo held firm.

“Matteo-”

“Please let me finish. So I got home and I just laid down for a few minutes. I was going to text you, but then everything got heavy and I was still in bed on Monday, and I skipped class. I was still in bed on Wednesday and I wouldn't talk to Jonas and I scared him and Hans is wasting all his time worrying about me. And it's so fucking stupid because I’m spiralling because I like you so much…”

He was rambling, spiralling, spilling his words, but he couldn’t help it. He was getting confused but he needed to make David see. He needed to make him understand what it would mean to be with him. Why it wasn’t worth it. Why it would never work out.

“And even though its been two fucking years I want to be with you still. Even after all this time but I can't because how fucking selfish would that be? To burden you with me like that? And anyway its all fucking irrelevant because there's no way you could ever like me, not now you can see what it would really mean to be with me and-”

“Shut up! I fucking love you! You stupid boy!” David snapped.

Matteo just blinked, he wasn’t expecting David to get angry. He stared at him, feeling nervous. He didn't like people yelling, it set him on edge, but David was already reaching for him, running his hands over his shoulders, quelling the panic before it set in.

He’d said he loved him.

But that couldn’t be true.

He just stared. It made no sense.

“I- what?”

David couldn’t mean it.

“I love you. Matteo, I love you,” he repeated.

Matteo tried not to smile but it was hard. It was all he'd ever wanted to hear.

“You can't,” he whispered.

“I can, I do,” David said.

He did, David loved him. He was so determined. He wasn't going to stop until Matteo believed him. He wasn’t lying. Matteo couldn’t hold back a weak smile.

“But-”

“I love you,” David repeated again.

His tone left no room for arguments, Matteo had no choice but to believe him. Matteo couldn’t even look him in the eye. This just made everything more complicated. Because it would hurt all the more when David eventually left him.

David reached out and intertwined their fingers, squeezing his hands gently.

Matteo’s tears began to fall.

“I… love you too but-”

“No.”

“No?”

“No buts Matteo I am in love with you I was then I am now," he insisted.

Matteo just stared at him, he was missing the point. Just because he loved him didn’t mean he was cured. Just because he loved him didn’t mean it was worth it.

“Matteo I know this will be hard but I need you to try and believe me. I want this, I want to be with you, even on the hard days, because they won’t be forever, this will pass,” David said.

“But it will happen again,” Matteo said.

“And it will pass again,” David said.

But it wasn’t fair. Couldn’t he see how unfair it was, to spend a life with someone like him? 

“You shouldn't have to-”

“I know bad days Matteo. My dysphoria used to get so bad that sometimes I couldn’t bear to even go outside. I couldn’t stand people looking at me, because I didn't know what they were thinking, what they were seeing. I know what it is to hate yourself, Matteo. I’m doing a lot better now. Like it's not gone away there is no fix, you get that, but I have a better handle on it. I got help and I'm dealing and some days I just basically have to force myself out of the door. But still I get days like that when everything gets too much, and I get in my head and I start doubting everything-”

“But that’s not your fault. It's not the same-”

“Your depression isn’t your fault Matteo. And you’re right, it's not the same, it’s not the same at all. But our difficulties and struggles don’t have to be the same for us to support each other,” David said.

Matteo was finally starting to remember that he was depressed and that the choices and decisions he made when his mood was low like this were not always the best. Alice used to tell him to wait it out and when it passed if he still felt that way then she would accept it. But often that wasn’t the case.

He often denied himself good things, because he felt like he didn’t deserve them. When he was depressed that feeling just increased exponentially, until he saw himself in a very dark light, unworthy of the love and care for anyone around him. He hated it. It was so hard to fight it.

But what if he did? What if this passed and David was still there? What if it happened again and David stayed? Jonas had stayed. Hanna had stayed. His mother, Hans, Amira, Linn, Carlos, and Abdi, they had all stayed. They didn’t look at him any differently. They loved him just the same. What if David stayed?

“Oh,” was all he could say.

“Would you leave me if I was struggling? If I locked myself away because I couldn't stand the sight of my reflection?”

Of course he wouldn’t. How could he ever leave David? That was completely unfair, it was his choice and nothing would ever make him leave.

“No of course not. I’d smash all the mirrors if it made you feel better,” he said.

And then he realised how unfair he was being. By pushing David away he was taking away his choice in all of this. Just like how David was describing, he was doing the same thing.

David just beamed at him.

“Then why would I leave you? I know there’s nothing I can smash or break to help you feel better, but I can be there with you, that’s what you need isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Matteo admitted.

He sighed and moved forward, curling against David. David wrapped his arms around him again.

“We’ll figure this out, Matteo. We don’t have to know all the answers right away,” he said.

“I got scared, in the kitchen last week, I got scared,” Matteo admitted.

“Why?”

He’d felt under so much pressure, he’d told David that he was doing better, but he didn’t feel like it. Right there in the kitchen, he’d felt like he was back at square one. And David was expecting him to be fine, to be functioning and capable of all this and he wasn't, not even close. And he’d felt it then, that he was going to crash, but he’d ignored it, because he didn’t want David to see, afraid of the disgust and shame that came with it.

Then there was also the fact that Matteo hadn’t even tried to move on, had just stayed hopelessly in love with this boy for two years. He knew he couldn’t hide that anymore. But he didn’t need to now. Because David loved him too.

“Because it was like nothing had changed, and I was scared that you’d realise I hadn’t changed at all. I wasn’t any better than that stupid pushy teenager who scared you away before... nothing had changed. I didn't get over you at all, I didn’t even try, it was only ever you. I knew I'd never find that again so I thought why bother? Then you were there in my kitchen and it was exactly the same, it was different, but it was exactly the same, and I was terrified, does that make sense?”

David squeezed Matteo tightly, he’d never felt so safe in his life. Despite the heaviness of their conversation, despite just going through the most difficult discussion of his life, he felt so calm, so at peace. He knew it wasn’t over, that he still had some way to go, but he’d never had a reprieve like this, it made it more bearable. Maybe he could have this, for these moments, these pockets of calm. Maybe he didn’t have to do this alone. He could get through this. They could.

“I never tried to move on either, because it was only ever going to be you. Every now and then Leonie and Sara will try and set me up on a date, and I fob them off, tell them I'm busy. But really it’s because of you, because there was no one else,” David told him.

Was this really possible? That they had fallen in love in a matter of days.

“But it doesn’t make any sense,” Matteo mumbled against his chest.

“Why?”

“We literally had days together, we fell in love after what? One date? How?”

“I fell so hard for you Matteo maybe it doesn't make sense but it's real, it's so real because if it wasn’t I'd have been able to forget about you,” David said.

His first two months in Italy he hadn’t thought of David at all. But he hadn't thought of his mother or his friends. He hadn’t thought of anyone at all, too trapped in the darkness in his mind. Nothing got through. Then when things began to clear and he allowed himself to think of home, David was always there, in his thoughts. He’d missed him every day. He’d known then that one day he’d go back, and he’d find David. He hadn’t known how it would go, what he would say, to what extent David would be willing to be in his life, but he’d known that it was inevitable, he would go back to David

“I could never forget about you, I could've stayed on nonna's farm until I was eighty-two and it would still be you. It will always be you,” Matteo said.

“I never thought I'd get this,” David whispered, running his fingers through Matteo’s hair, “Someone who loved me like this,” he added.

How could he even say that? Loving David was the easiest thing Matteo had ever done.

“How could anyone not love you?”

“When I came out to my parents, they didn’t want to know. They weren’t aggressive, but their disappointment was clear, they wouldn’t try at all. And school was hell. They wouldn’t help, it was like they thought I deserved it. That I'd brought it upon myself and I would just have to deal with it,” David said.

Matteo didn’t even know what to think, he was furious, how could anyone… but he knew how shitty parents could be. He couldn’t believe there was someone out there worse than his own father. But he was just a waste of space, to be deliberately cruel like that? No wonder David didn’t trust anyone.

“Fuck them,” Matteo muttered.

“Yeah. I had to leave with Laura because I couldn't stand it there. But if the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally rejected me how the fuck was I supposed to convince a stranger to fall in love with me? I’d written it off, it was just something that was never going to happen for me. If I wanted to be comfortable in my own body, my own skin, then love was just not going to be an option for me,” David explained.

Matteo just couldn’t imagine it, just accepting the idea of being alone so easily.

“Oh David…”

“And then I saw you,” David said.

“Then you saw me?” Matteo asked.

He stared at him. Surely David couldn’t mean that it was him? That he'd given up on his self imposed isolation because of him.

“Yeah and all of those rules went out the window. All those walls began to crack, I couldn’t stop it. When I first saw you in that corridor you looked even sadder and lonelier than me,” he said.

Matteo couldn't believe what he was hearing, that was right at the start. Before they’d even spoken. David couldn't have fallen that quick. He’d loved him since the start. He’d loved him as long as Matteo, longer even, because Matteo was always slow at processing his feelings.

“I thought you didn’t get lonely,” Matteo mumbled against David’s chest.

Knowing this he felt shy suddenly, he just wanted to hide against David. David got it and held him close, stroking his hair.

“Just because I’d resigned myself to being alone didn’t mean I couldn't get lonely. I didn’t feel it as bad as you but it still hurt. Anyway then I spoke to you and you really were that sad. All I wanted to do, despite myself, was take you away, protect you from whatever it was that made you look like that. All I wanted to do was love you, but I couldn't because I was still so afraid,” David said.

He finally looked up at David and he was smiling at him so earnestly that Matteo had no choice but to believe him. David loved him. David had loved him for just as long as he’d loved David. David loved him. It was everything. It was all he’d ever wanted. 

“You really did love me, even back then,” he whispered.

He was choked up, close to tears, but he wasn’t sad. Right now he wasn’t sad.

“Yeah, I mean I didn't get it at the time but yeah, when you were gone I knew that’s what it was,” David said.

For Matteo, it had been the moment David had sent the texts, before that it had been there in the back of his mind, something to deal with and work out later. But the minute he thought David wasn’t into him, the pain that it caused was so unbearable it couldn’t be anything but heartbreak. He was in love and he thought the boy he loved didn’t love him back.

“I knew, when it hurt so bad, I knew it was love, nothing else could be that painful,” he said.

He buried his face against David’s chest again, and he squeezed him back tightly. David loved him. Matteo was in shock. But he believed him. He knew he wasn’t fixed, that love was definitely no cure for his depression, but that was up to him, not David. He was working on that and getting better by himself, he didn’t need David for that. He needed David because he loved him. And David had his own struggles and loving Matteo wouldn’t just make them go away. But as he said, it didn’t mean they couldn’t love each other, it didn’t mean they had to give up. Matteo wanted to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two chapters left to go, still can't quite believe this was supposed to be an epilogue. One single chapter was the plan. 
> 
> But Matteo is finally starting to believe that David wants to stay. He doesn't understand it, but he knows its the truth. David is sticking around. He's not a cure by any means and he knows that too, but it doesn't mean they can't be together, doesn't mean they can't be happy.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments and kind words, they mean so much
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	11. and oh you could be loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo is ok. David and Matteo are ok. Jonas and Matteo are ok. He's starting to get that now.

As he’d expected despite David’s warm presence he’d crashed again. He wished he could say David being there with him made it easier but it didn’t. He wished he could say that David saying he wanted to be there, every evening when he returned from school and sat with him in silence and darkness eased his guilt but it didn't. 

Despite this, he allowed David to stay because he didn't care if he was being selfish. If David wanted to be with him, in his room that was slowly becoming his prison, then he would allow it because he wanted David there.

It was another two weeks before Matteo was able to get out of bed for more than the bathroom, able to eat more than a few bites of dry toast, able to speak.

Sometimes when he went through periods like this recovery was slow, it happened in stages. First his energy started to increase, then his appetite came back and he was able to move out of his room and lay in the living room instead. Then eventually he could get back outside, and start getting on with his life.

Other times it was weird, he’d wake up one day and his head was clear. It was as if everything had gone back to normal. He didn’t trust those times, felt like he hadn’t earned his recovery, that he was a knife-edge of relapsing for weeks afterwards. It was one of those times though, he just woke up in the middle of the night starving and dragged himself out of bed, looking for food.

David had followed him sleepily.

“Everything ok?” he asked.

“Hungry,” Matteo muttered, his throat hurt, he hadn’t spoken in over a week.

He looked in the fridge but of course, his shelf was empty apart from a block of butter and one sad egg. 

David reached around him and pulled out some plastic boxes from Hans’ shelf, inspecting them carefully.

“What do you fancy cheesy pasta or some kind of stew?” he asked.

“I can’t just eat Hans’ food,” Matteo whispered, the sound of his voice too loud after weeks of silence.

“No it’s for you,” David assured him, “Hans made it for you, I would have done but he’s a better cook,” he said.

“Oh,” he whispered.

Matteo’s eyes were burning, David placed the boxes on the counter and led him to the stool. Matteo sat down and slumped against the wall, David stroked his hair out of his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He didn’t seem freaked out at all. Matteo watched him head back to the counter and plate up some pasta, putting it in the microwave.

He padded back to Matteo and stood in front of him, hands on his shoulders squeezing them, he’d already figured out at this point how pressure like that comforted him. Then he moved his hands up to his face cupping it gently, then pressing a quick kiss to his lips. He leant forward so that their foreheads were touching.

Matteo sighed.

“Doing ok?” David asked.

“No,” he said.

He was tired but he didn't want to go back to bed, he didn’t want to go back to his room at all. It was dark and gloomy in there. He’d been trapped in there for weeks, he couldn’t go back in right now.

David didn’t respond, there wasn’t really anything he could say, but he allowed Matteo to slide from the wall and lean against him, wrapping an arm around him.

When the food was heated David placed it in front of Matteo and sat down opposite him. He didn't push, didn’t speak because he knew Matteo couldn't do both, just sat patiently, while Matteo took almost an hour to eat half a plate of pasta.

“I can’t eat anymore,” he said eventually.

He was starting to feel a bit sick, and if he forced it he would just end up throwing everything back up.

“Ok, want anything else?” David asked, moving the plate aside.

Matteo shook his head.

“Do you want to go back to bed?"

“No,” he whispered.

“Do you want to-”

“Stop… please don’t ask questions,” he begged.

He just couldn’t answer, he couldn’t think quick enough to say anything but no. If he kept it up, David would get fed up.

“Ok sorry,” David said.

He didn’t stop smiling though, he wasn’t angry.

“I’m sorry it’s just a lot,” Matteo said.

“It’s fine,” David said, but he was fidgeting, biting his lip to stop himself from saying anything else.

He obviously wanted to ask him something, but he was stopping himself.

“I think… I feel gross,” Matteo mumbled.

He felt disgusting, he hadn’t showered in ages, he felt sweaty and dirty. He wanted to feel clean.

“Do you-”

David cut himself off.

“Sorry it’s fine you can ask I just… just give me more time to answer…” 

“Ok do you want to take a shower? And I’ll clear up in here,” David suggested.

“Yeah yeah ok,” he said.

He spent longer in the shower than necessary, forgetting the late hour and that he might wake his roommates. But nobody came banging on the door. The hot water felt good on his skin for once, and he stayed under the spray for as long as possible, mind empty, just calm.

When Matteo returned to his room, freshly clean, wearing the freshly laundered joggers and a sweater David had handed to him, he found David had blitzed the room. He’d stripped the bed, thrown open the curtains and the door and windows, cool fresh air was blowing in. It was cold but at least it didn’t stink anymore. He’d taken all the dirty plates out too.

“Sorry, was this ok?” he asked, looking up at Matteo as he bundled up the rubbish scattered around the room.

Matteo sat down on the unmade bed.

“I don’t think I have any more sheets,” he mumbled.

“That's ok, they’ll be clean and dry by bedtime, unless you wanted to sleep now?” David asked carefully.

“No, I’m awake,” he said.

“What do want to do Matteo?”

What did he want to do? No one usually asked him that, especially when he was depressed. They tried to get him to rest, to eat, to shower, always asking him, but never asking what he wanted to do. He wanted out, just for a few minutes.

“I want… I want to go outside, I haven’t been outside in three weeks,” Matteo said.

David nodded and dropped the bag of rubbish he was holding.

“Ok let's go,” he said.

“It’s one in the morning,” Matteo argued.

“Yep,” David said.

He grabbed Matteo’s hoodie and a jacket from the chair and handed them to him, before putting on his own. Then he stared at him, frowning slightly as he looked him up and down. Matteo felt scrutinised. He watched David go over to his wardrobe and pull out a scarf and beanie. He wrapped the scarf around Matteo’s neck and pulled the beanie down low on his head, over his ears. He stared a moment longer, nodding to himself. His eyes flicked down to Matteo’s lips and he smiled. He reached out and stroked Matteo’s cheeks with his thumbs and then kissed him, so soft and gentle, bumping their noses. Matteo felt so cared for, his eyes fluttered shut and he swayed slightly in David’s arms. Then David stepped back, and when Matteo opened his eyes and blinked at him, David grinned.

“Cute,” he said.

Matteo huffed and rolled his eyes. They headed to the door and he shoved his feet into his trainers. He wasn’t quite ready to admit it, even to himself, but he liked it, being taken care of, it was nice. He could feel his cheeks heating up so he ducked his head and allowed David to take his hand and lead him out of the apartment.

“Where are we going?”

“How far can you go?” David asked him.

They stepped outside and Matteo gasped at the cold. He shivered slightly but allowed David to keep pulling him along.

“Not far,” he admitted. 

He was already tired, his legs ached from being upright for so long, after so many days in bed.

“That’s ok, there’s a park down the road,” David suggested.

“It’s night, it’ll be closed,” Matteo argued.

“Well that’s never stopped us before,” David said, winking at him.

Matteo stopped.

“I can’t, I'm too tired, I can’t climb a fence,” he said.

“It won’t be locked come on, trust me?”

Matteo allowed himself to be pulled along to the park. It was dark and freezing, this was a bad idea. But David had been right, the entrance by the apartment was open and unguarded.

David led them over to a bench and Matteo sat down heavily, practically collapsing. It had been a five-minute walk, and he was exhausted from it. Still, it was nice sitting there quietly with David, he leant his head on his shoulder.

“Doing ok?”

“Better,” Matteo said.

“That’s good,” David said.

“It’s nice out here,” Matteo said.

“Yeah,” David agreed.

“I’m sorry you have to do this,” Matteo said.

“Don’t say that Matteo,” David said.

“But is not fair, you having to take care of me like this, you’ve been spending all your time with me, it’s such a waste of your time,” Matteo said.

“No it isn't Matteo,” David said. 

He sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. Then shifted so that Matteo had to sit up and he could turn to face him. 

"Yes it is, I see you when you think I’m sleeping. You're just sitting there with me, bored out of your mind," Matteo said. 

Since he'd come over two weeks ago David had spent every night with him and a lot of his days too. Despite the fact that Matteo had nothing to offer him, couldn't even fucking speak. Just laying there useless. 

"I enjoy it," David said carefully, slowly. 

He was thinking of what to say as he said it. Something Matteo could rarely do with fucking up and upsetting someone. 

"What?" 

"Not you being depressed, I hate that and wish nothing more than you weren't feeling this way, but just being with you, just having company-" 

"What kind of company could I be for you?" Matteo demanded. 

"You have no idea how lonely I was Matteo, no idea," David said quietly. 

"But your friends," Matteo said. 

David was cool and popular, he had friends, why was he lonely?

"I keep everyone at a distance I always have done, I can't help it. But it’s lonely like that," he explained. 

"But you’ve just been sitting there with me not even talking, it can't be fun," Matteo said. 

"No it's not fun, it's pretty devastating watching you like that. But you’re there. With me. I feel less lonely with you," David said. 

"Oh." 

Matteo shivered and David pressed close again. 

"And I wish I didn't have to obviously, but… but I like taking care of you does that make sense?" David asked. 

"No." 

"Well I do Matteo I wanna take care of you whether you're depressed or you have the flu, I can't help it. And I like just being with you, even if you don't say a word," David said. 

Matteo shook his head. David wasn't getting it. He'd only been at it two weeks he would get bored soon enough. 

"But you’re giving up your life," he argued. 

David just laughed. 

"No I'm not, I'm still going to school, I'm still at Laura’s all the time. I'm hanging out with Leonie and Sara and my friends from school all the time. In fact Leonie says I’ve never been so talkative, like I haven't told her much about this, because it's not my place. But I’ve confided in her, my worries and that. You don't understand what a big step that is for me. So I’m fine Matteo," he said. 

"What worries?" Matteo asked. 

"Everything really, you, my parents, school shit, I… I know I can talk to you and Laura, but it's nice to let others in." 

"Yeah, that's Hanna and Jonas for me," Matteo told him. 

"Yeah?"

"We're getting there, I push back a lot, but they're always gonna be there, I'm starting to get that now," Matteo said. 

They got it and they always gave him the space when he needed it, always waiting for him until he was able to let them in again. 

"Jonas is worried about you," David told him. 

Matteo sighed. 

"I know," he said. 

"He'd like to see you as soon as you're ready," David said. 

"Ok," Matteo said. 

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Matteo's head back on David's shoulder. David holding his hands, playing with his fingers. 

Matteo didn't really like the dark, wasn't really a fan of being out at night like this but with David here it was kind of nice. Peaceful. He felt safe too. The only light came from David’s torch because apparently he just always had one on him. It should have been spooky, but it wasn't, it was almost magical. 

"Do you believe me?" David said after a while. 

"Not really," Matteo admitted. 

"That’s ok. Can I still take care of you anyway?" David asked. 

"I guess," Matteo said. 

"That’s good," David said. 

"I… I just don’t get it…"

David was grinning at him now, Matteo didn't understand why. 

"I know," he said. 

"Aren’t you bored?" Matteo asked. 

"No." 

Matteo just frowned at him. 

"I like spending time with you, I like being with you, I know why you don’t get it," David said. 

"Why?" 

"When you’re not depressed you’re kind of annoying," David said. 

Matteo huffed. 

"What?" 

There must have been something in his expression because David squeezed his hands and backtracked. 

"No I don’t mean it like that, it’s just, despite your general low energy, you're never quite still, you do move about a lot," David said. 

"I really don’t," Matteo argued. 

"Yeah you do, you’re always fidgeting, hitting me, fiddling with things, touching things," David said. 

"Yeah and?" Matteo asked. 

"So you don’t like sitting still,  _ you  _ are easily bored," David explained. 

Matteo shrugged, he supposed it was true. He didn't like to just sit, he had to touch things, to fidget, or play on his phone, he had to be doing something, distracting himself. 

"I guess," he said. 

"But I do. I’m happy to just sit there with you, Matteo I could sit with you in silence for hours," he said. 

"Ok," he said. 

He couldn't really say anything else. If David wanted to sit in silence with him, Matteo wasn't going to stop him. 

"You still don’t believe me," David said. 

"I’m trying but…" 

"You’ll get there, don't worry," David said. 

"Yeah," Matteo said. 

"Yeah I’ll make you, you don't have a choice really," David said. 

"Mean," Matteo muttered. 

"You're the mean one," David said. 

"Me?" 

"Yeah, you're mean to yourself, I gotta fight you," David insisted.

Matteo scoffed, but there was a gleam in David's eyes. Suddenly David’s hands slipped from his and circled his wrists raising them above his head. Then he was in Matteo's lap, pinning him against the bench. Matteo had no idea how he moved so quickly, he was still sitting there blinking up at him

"And I'll win," David promised him. 

He licked his lips and bent down to kiss him. 

"Are you gonna beat me up for being in a bad mood?" Matteo asked, lips still pressed against David’s. 

David pulled back. 

"Yeah with kisses," he said before diving back in. 

Matteo wasn't going to complain about that. 

A few days later, Matteo still hadn’t crashed, he hadn’t gone back to school yet, but he had been able to get up and study. It was hard work but he was on his way back to being caught up. He was ready to believe that this was over for now and he was going to be able to get back to his life, get on with things again.

He was meeting up with Jonas in the park, it was time they talked about this properly. Matteo was sat on the steps waiting. It was nice sitting outside, even if it was cold. He never used to be an outdoor person, preferring to hide away in his room away from everyone. Living on his grandmother’s farm had changed that, he’d needed to be outside, bedrooms had become a prison for him. It wasn’t that bad now, but still, it felt nicer to be in the sun.

“Are you feeling better?” Jonas asked, as he sat down beside him.

“It’s not… not better,” Matteo answered. 

He hated that question. Are you ok? Are you feeling better? Jonas looked at him, thoughtfully.

“How are you feeling Matteo?” he asked, choosing his words more carefully.

He was getting it now.

“Ok today. Still tired, but awake at the same time, does that make sense?” he asked.

“Yeah it does,” Jonas agreed.

“I’m sorry for pushing you away,” Matteo said.

“It’s… it’s ok if you need me not to be there, it’s just… you let Hans and Linn stay with you. You let David stay but not me, I just… I don’t get it,” he said.

And Matteo understood why he was upset, and it would be hard to explain. He didn’t really get it himself, why it bothered him so much having Jonas see him like that when he let others in.

“I don’t know, I don’t like you seeing me like that,” he began.

“Why?”

“Because it upsets you. You worry and you fuss, and you ask all the wrong questions and it just makes it harder for me, I’m sorry-”

“No don’t say sorry, ok? I’m sorry,” Jonas said, he reached out and squeezed Matteo’s shoulder, it was comforting.

“No, you don’t-”

“I should listen to what you need,” Jonas said.

And this was true, but it was hardly his fault.

“But I never said, I never say and that’s on me too,” Matteo said.

Jonas turned to face him fully, all his attention on Matteo. He knew Matteo didn’t like it, didn’t like people to focus on him like that, but it was necessary. They were going to have this conversation.

“What do you need Matteo?” he asked.

And it was obvious.

“That,” he said.

“That?” he repeated before nodding, “It’s the way I ask right? Are you doing ok? Instead of how are you doing?”

“I know it’s stupid,” Matteo said shrugging.

He wasn’t even sure if it made any sense.

“It’s not stupid,” Jonas said.

“I get it though, I don’t say much so you wouldn't think I’d be a fan of open-ended questions. But when you ask  _ am I doing better? _ It’s like, well all I can say is yes or no. It makes it harder to elaborate you know? Also to be honest maybe we should stop saying better at all because I’m not going to get better, this could be forever and I will have good days and bad days and terrible days but I might never get _better,_ not like you how mean. Like some days I’ll be better than others, but it’s not like a cold, like you have it and you get better. There is no fix. It’s hard work, I’ve got to work at this, probably forever. And it could get to the point where I have so many good days that years go by without anything, and then it’ll just hit out of nowhere again, we have to remember that. Do you get it?”

“Yes Matteo I get it, and I’m sorry, but I didn’t know, I didn’t realise,” he said.

He looked so apologetic and Matteo felt guilty.

“I know and I want to talk about this more. I just brushed past it before, but I can’t expect you to be perfect and get it if I don't explain what's going on with me,” Matteo said.

“Ok I want to listen, Matteo,” Jonas said.

“I have depression which you know, I take medication for it, and I see a therapist and a doctor. And it helps and it's mostly under control, but sometimes I slip back sometimes I stop taking my meds because I think I’m better and that's really hard to argue with my reasoning at the time. And sometimes like this time, there can be so much going on that I just crash, and the meds don’t help and nothing helps and I just… I can't do anything,” Matteo explained.

“That's what happened this time?” Jonas asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Because of the adjustment?”

“Yeah it was all a lot, and because my timings and schedule had changed I kept missing my doses, not deliberately but it's so hard to keep track. So that was what happened,” he explained.

“Ok,” he said.

He wasn’t pushing, he was giving Matteo the space he needed to talk and Matteo really appreciated it.

“Ok and so my mood just drops to like… you know what I can’t even describe it, I hope you never feel like it, that’s all I can say. But I got through it,” he said.

“You’re so strong,” Jonas whispered.

Matteo leant his head on Jonas’ shoulder, needing to be closer.

“It’s hard though. Jonas, I don’t think I want you there when it happens again,” he said.

“Matteo-”

“I know you want to be there for me but it's so hard. I let Hans in because he just... despite the fact that he’s so loud usually, he knows how to be gentle and quiet when it’s important. Linn is so good because she just understands, without me having to explain a thing,” he said.

“And David?”

“I don’t know I just... _I_ need him there, it doesn’t help, it doesn’t make it any easier, but I need him there does that make sense?” Matteo asked.

“Not really,” Jonas admitted.

“And he wants to be there,” Matteo said.

“I want to be there for you too Matteo,” Jonas insisted.

“No he… you want to be there to make me better, he just wants to be there it’s different to me it's different,” Matteo tried.

There was no way of explaining it though, it made sense only to him in his head.

“Ok I- I'm not going to force you,” Jonas said.

“And I know you’re going to try and you’ll learn the difference and you’ll get better at it, you still can’t come because Jonas it’s… you can’t hide your emotions, ok? The moment you walked in the room you look so fucking devasted and it hurts me to see you like that, and… you’ll never be able to hide that from me. I know you too well, better than anyone and I just, I can’t have you sitting with me looking like you’re about to cry, you know how I am with guilt, you said it yourself” Matteo said.

“I… I was about to cry when I saw you in the bed so small and sad I almost burst into tears I couldn’t help it,” Jonas said.

“And that's fine,” Matteo said.

Jonas wrapped his arm around him and sighed.

“I love you so much Luigi, I just want to protect you. I get it though, it must be overbearing,” he said.

“Yes because you can’t protect me from this. But I’ll always let you back in after, once it’s passed I always want you there again,” Matteo said.

“Ok,” Jonas said.

“Are you mad?” 

“No, I'm not I promise, if it hurts you then I’ll stay away,” Jonas said.

“No… I… not stay away Jonas, just give me space,” Matteo clarified.

Jonas nodded.

“Ok,” he said.

Matteo felt unsure like he’d fucked something up. Like Jonas was disappointed in him.

“Are we ok?”

“We’re fine Luigi, we’re fine I promise,” Jonas said.

“I… it’s not just you… I would never let my mama see me like that either. You and her, I just I can’t ok? I can’t,” Matteo said.

Jonas’ expression shifted as if something had become clear to him. He nodded, he seemed to understand even if Matteo didn't really get it himself. But Jonas knew him, had known him for almost his entire life, got Matteo on a level different to most. They were fine. Jonas was his best friend, and he would always be there for him. They loved each other fiercely, they were family. He wouldn’t leave him. Matteo knew that now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate chapter. Matteo is going to be ok. He really believes everyone now, when they say they're not leaving when they say they want to stay. He is finally getting it.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's reading, commenting and leaving kudos, it's so nice to see people loving this story as much as me.
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	12. 'cause i ain't scared of livin'

David wanted to have sex. Matteo could tell, it was the way he ran his fingers over the hem of Matteo’s sweater whenever they were making out. Sometimes his fingers crept under the fabric, but he always pulled back. He was holding back, Matteo knew. He was probably worried that Matteo was too fragile. Breakable. 

That wasn’t what was stopping him though, sure Matteo was nervous but he wanted it, pretty desperately at this point. It’s just that whenever David tugged at his jumper he was reminded of why he never took it off.

He was afraid. David didn't realise, probably thought Matteo was just nervous, shy, and he was being so patient with him. But he must have been frustrated by this point. Matteo knew  _ he _ was. 

It was late, too late to be awake, but Matteo couldn’t sleep too much on his mind. He was worried he was annoying David, frustrating him. That he was going to get fed up of waiting. David was laying beside him, they’d been watching a movie, some crappy horror that David had chosen so that they could make out instead of paying attention. 

And it had been fun, and Matteo had barely even seen ten minutes of the movie, too focused on David above him, holding him so gently, carefully. But eventually, David had rolled off him, and laid back against the pillows to catch his breath. To calm down. Matteo hadn’t even dared to glance at him since. 

Now they were curled together again, David drifting close to sleep, Matteo wide awake. Thoughts racing. 

“You want to have sex,” he whispered into the darkness.

“No. I mean yes, but not until you’re ready, I can wait, Matteo,” David said calmly. 

“I… I…”

He didn't know how to do this, how to talk about this stuff. 

David pulled away to turn on the lamp.

Matteo blinked at the light.

“What’s going on?” David asked.

“It’s stupid,” Matteo mumbled.

“Tell me anyway, let me decide,” he said.

“I want to have sex too, it’s… you think I’m hesitating because I’m nervous but it's not that. I mean I am nervous but that's not why I’m so hesitant,” he said.

“It’s because of your scars isn't’ it?” David asked.

Matteo just stared at him, but he was relieved that David already got it. He didn't  _ need _ to tell him. He already knew. Maybe he could talk about this. He knew it was the last secret between them. 

“I… I… how?”

“Whenever I touch your jumper you get all… shaky? Fidgety? But not in a good way, like you usually are, it’s not that noticeable but I can tell you’re just on edge,” David explained.

“Ok?”

“Then sometimes when I touch your jeans, when I pull at the waistband of your sweats, you don’t mind that as much. So it's not the sex that's scaring you. But I want you to be completely comfortable Matteo, we don't have to do anything until you're ready,” David said.

“Oh. I'm sorry,” he mumbled, looking away.

“What are you sorry for?” David asked, frowning and leaning over him. 

He pressed kisses to his forehead, his cheeks, his lips. Matteo felt his face heating up at the attention. 

“Being stupid about this,” he said.

“It’s not stupid, nothing about this is stupid,” David said.

“It is stupid that I can’t take off my fucking jumper to have sex with my boyfriend because I’m scared of my scars. You know what? I don’t even care if you see them it's  _ me _ . I don’t want to see them,” he said.

“That’s not stupid, they’re a reminder of a very traumatic time for you. Please stop dismissing your own feelings Matteo, they’re so important. They are so important to me."

Matteo stared at him. He loved him so much, it was overwhelming in the most gentle of ways. Suddenly he wanted David to see him, all of him. He wanted no secrets between them. He'd never trusted anyone like this before. 

He slowly rolled up his sleeves, only the doctors at the hospital had seen his arms in years. Matteo never looked, there were times when he couldn’t avoid it, but he almost never saw. He held them out in front of David, who didn't break eye contact until he nodded. When he did David looked down slowly, Matteo felt dizzy with it. Then David took his wrists in his hands, gently, so gently, and brought them up to his lips. Matteo shuddered, he felt like he might pass out. 

“I know you hate them,” David said.

“Yeah,” Matteo whispered.

“If I could kiss them away I would,” David said. “But I can’t. That's not how it works. There's nothing romantic about this. They're real and they're permanent. But Matteo if you need to keep sleeves on that's fine. If you can’t look at them that's fine,” he promised. "But don't ever think they could make me love you any less."

Matteo nodded, there was a lump in his throat, and his eyes stung.

“I will have scars soon,” David said, gesturing at his chest,

Matteo nodded.

“And I know it’s different because for me the scars are so much preferable to the alternative. I want them even. But I only mention it because I talked about it once with Laura and she told me this quote  _ Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realise this strength and move on.  _ Which I thought was a bit rude at the time. You know like blunt? But it's true you are so strong Matteo, so strong, you’ve been through hell and you’re still here ok? You survived.”

The tears started to fall and David reached out and brushed them away. Matteo wasn’t even sure why he was crying, he wasn’t sad. He was happy, relieved. He had no secrets from David now. David understood him. All of him. He stared at him for a moment before reaching for the hem of his sweater.

“Matteo,” David whispered.

Matteo pulled the sweater over his head and threw it aside. He shivered. David raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“Cold?”

Matteo nodded.

“I can warm you up,” David offered, crawling forward.

“Ok,” Matteo whispered.

“Ok?”

“Yeah, yes,” he said.

David nodded and reached for Matteo’s t-shirt.

“This will have to come off too,” he said.

“Seems counter-intuitive,” Matteo said, but he allowed David to pull the shirt over his head.

David smirked at his joke then reached for his own shirt, he hesitated.

“I’m… I…”

“You don’t have to,” Matteo whispered.

“No I… no one’s ever seen... I just, hold on…”

David reached for the blankets and pulled them up over them, dimming the light to a soft warm glow. Matteo reached out and David lifted his shirt slightly so that Matteo could run his fingers over his stomach, over his back. David shuddered, took a breath and pulled the shirt over his head.

“Ok?” Matteo whispered, staring up at him in awe.

David blinked and nodded.

“Yeah,” he breathed, laying himself down over Matteo, who shivered but not from the cold this time. 

He shivered from the feeling of David’s bare skin against his own, from the comforting weight of his body on his. The pressure was perfect as if David was made to lay on him like this. 

“Are you still cold?” David whispered.

Matteo shook his head.

“See it’s working,” David said, reaching for his boxers, sliding them down when Matteo nodded.

“Shut up,” Matteo muttered.

He wasn't funny. 

But David just laughed and shimmied out of his own boxers. And then they were naked and pressed together. Matteo felt like he was on fire. Every inch of his skin where David pressed against him was alight.

“Do you have… we’re gonna need condoms and-”

Matteo nodded and reached out from under the blankets, blindly grabbing a condom and a bottle of lube from the drawer. Hans had given them to him the other day, after the most awkward conversation of his life. Matteo had shoved them into the drawer and ignored them. 

There was a clatter as he heard his laptop fall to the floor but he didn’t care right now.

He shoved it all into David’s hands and refused to meet his eyes. David didn't move just waited until he finally returned his gaze. When he did, he raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment on his eagerness.

“Gonna warm you up, so you’ll never be cold again,” he promised against Matteo's skin.

And Matteo believed him, he felt overheated in the best way. The heat felt like it was seeping into him from David. He shuddered again, and David ran his fingers over his skin, soothing him, easing the shaking. He was touching him everywhere, leaving trails of fire in his wake, and then his hand was exactly where Matteo wanted it, needed it, tight and wet around him and Matteo swore if David kept this up he would combust. Just catch fire right there in the bed. 

He'd never felt a heat like this, he hadn't even realised how cold he'd felt before David. Before they'd even started this tonight. Whenever David touched him anywhere it was always warm. It seeped from him, into Matteo's skin wherever they touched. 

This though? This was on another level. He'd never been touched like this. There was purpose in David's movements, but he was still careful with him, not quite gentle, not quite cautious. But with such care and tenderness in his movements that Matteo never wanted this to stop. 

David knew exactly how to touch him, exactly how fast or slow, just the right amount of pressure to stop him from getting overwhelmed, keep him there in the room. Present and with him, not let him get lost in his own head. 

He whined he couldn’t help it.

“Gonna take such good care of you baby,” David whispered as he dragged his lips over Matteo’s jaw.

Matteo just nodded, struck dumb, he couldn’t find the words.

David didn’t seem to mind, just grinned at him as he stroked him slowly, not enough to get him off, just bring him close, until he was squirming and panting underneath him.

“I want you to touch me baby,” David whispered, letting go of him and sitting back on his thighs, smiling down at him.

Matteo still just stared, it was like his barely functioning brain had switched off completely.

“I need your hand Matteo,” David said.

He had to duck when Matteo swung his arm out clumsily almost hitting him in the face. But he laughed and grabbed it, before sliding his hand down to his wrist. He held it loosely.

“I want to touch you, hold you here, is that ok?”

Matteo nodded, eyes wide.

“I’m gonna grip tight,” David warned.

“S’ok, feels good,” he murmured.

David nodded, and leant up on one arm, guiding Matteo’s hand down to where he needed it with the other.

If Matteo thought his brain had shut down before, now it had left his body entirely. David felt so hot and tight around his shaking fingers that any thoughts stuttered to a halt. He felt himself losing track rapidly. But then David groaned above him loud and low, and Matteo came back to himself a little. He wanted to make it good for David, didn't want David doing all the work. And he needed to be more present for that. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second and tried to focus. 

When he opened them again he felt a little calmer, David's eyes were still closed, head thrown back. He looked so good. 

He felt so good too, warm and wet around him. It was good, so good, and David clearly felt it was, but Matteo wanted more than good, he wanted to make David feel as amazing as he did right now.

David looked back down at him and raised an eyebrow as Matteo pulled his hand back and poured the lube over his shaking fingers before sinking back in. David’s grip on his wrist tightened and he groaned loud as Matteo circled his thumb around him and curled his fingers forward. He was holding on tight but no longer guiding him, just making sure he didn't pull away. As if Matteo could pull away from this.

“Someone’s been researching,” David muttered, as he fell forward and groaned against Matteo’s shoulder biting down.

“I wanted to be good for you,” Matteo whispered, trying not to let his mind wander to the internet searches he'd done recently. 

“Jesus Christ,” David muttered and then he was shaking and gasping against Matteo, tight around his fingers. “So good, you're so good,” he breathed.

“Yeah?” 

Matteo was sure his face was going to be permanently red at this point. 

David just nodded and gripped Matteo’s wrist tight, stilling his movements, just holding him in place.

“Fuck,” he whispered.

He shook his head to clear it and then finally let go of Matteo, he reached across and grabbed the condom, then looked to Matteo.

“Ok?”

Matteo nodded, but David placed a hand under his chin and tilted his head, so that he looked at him.

“Yes,” Matteo whispered.

“Ok,” he said, nodding and reaching back to slide the condom over Matteo.

Matteo groaned and tried to stay focused, tried to stop the shaking but it was a lost cause. He gave in to it, it was all he could do. It didn't seem to bother David, who just smiled down at him. 

“Your pace Matteo,” David murmured, sinking down.

Matteo’s eyes fluttered closed, he couldn’t help it, he was feeling so much, and so intensely, he just needed a minute. He was so close to overwhelmed already. 

“I… I…”

David leant forward and kissed him hard, breathing heavily against him. He stroked his face, ran his fingers through his hair while Matteo got his breathing back on track. 

“I’ve got you Matteo, I’ve got you,” David said as he began to move.

He grabbed Matteo's hands and placed them on his hips, Matteo gripped tightly, feeling grounded somewhat. It allowed him to control the pace a little, David slowing down whenever Matteo held tight, speeding up again when he started to relax his grip.

He wanted this to go on forever, couldn't even believe how long he'd held off. What had he even been so scared of? David was looking down at him like he was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. And Matteo knew the look was mirrored on his face.

But it couldn't last forever. And Matteo had been close since the moment David touched him.

“David I- I-”

“I know baby me too, you feel so good."

“I…"

There were no words, the time for forming meaningful sentences long gone. 

“Touch me again, please,” David whispered. 

Matteo had no idea how he found the coordination to get his hands back on David but he did, just pressed his fingers against him again and then David was falling forward, forehead against his, gasping and crying out his name. And that was it for Matteo, he fell apart, safe in David’s tight embrace.

Pleasure ripped through him and he cried out, shaking, gasping as he fell over the edge.

David held him through it, gripping him tight as he lost himself to his own pleasure.

Matteo lost track of time but slowly he opened his eyes again as the room came back into focus. David was just gazing down at him, running his fingers through his hair again. His eyes were shining and his face as flushed as Matteo's. He was gasping, trying to catch his breath. His hair was wild, sticking up in every direction. He was perfect. 

He grinned down when he realised Matteo was back with him. 

“All warmed up baby?” he asked, once he was finally able to breathe normally.

Matteo just groaned, but didn’t pull away when David leant down and pressed kiss after kiss to his face, grinning stupidly at him. This boy. Why did he ever think he was cool?

The next morning they were laying in bed. Matteo was in just a t-shirt for the first time in a long time. Even when he was alone he wore sleeves, he didn't even get hot anymore. It helped that he was always cold. 

But not today. David had seen all of him. There was nothing to hide. He knew himself not to look and didn’t mind if David saw him.

David was beside him, he was scrolling through his phone.

“Ok are you and Sara talking about me or something?” he asked.

“No why?” Matteo asked, confused.

“She’s asking if we’ve sorted ourselves the fuck out and can we go on that double date yet? She said you agreed to it,” David said.

“I really didn’t,” Matteo said.

David grinned at him.

“Can I…”

“What?” David asked gently.

“I… can I? I haven’t called my nonna in a while, Hans and Jonas have kept her up to date but I’d like to speak to her,” Matteo explained.

“Ok?”

“I want to call her,” Matteo said.

“Oh now? Ok I can get up I guess, I’ll go make coffee or something,” David said, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. 

“Or I… would you like to say hi?” Matteo asked.

“Oh…”

“No sorry I’m being stupid it’s too soon isn’t it? I’m sorry I-”

David took his hand and squeezed it, calming his rambling.

“Matteo I would love to,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Have you told her about me?” David asked.

“Yeah of course,” Matteo said.

He didn't elaborate. David didn't need to hear about all the long conversations he'd had with her, essentially moping and telling her how wonderful David was. And pining, so much pining. David didn't need to know that. 

David nodded and Matteo grabbed his phone, setting up a facetime call.

“I taught her how before I left, I hope she remembers,” he said.

“Hello?”

The screen was still black for a moment then there was a bustle of movement. 

“Nonna can you see me?” Matteo asked. 

“Matteo? Matteo are you there? I can't see you,” she said.

Matteo could see her on the screen, but it hadn't connected properly yet. David just grinned beside him. He seemed excited. 

“Hold on it's connecting,” he said.

Then his grandmother’s smiling face was filling the screen. She gasped when she saw that he wasn't alone. 

“Matteo there you are and oh hello who is this? My, my, Matteo you do move fast,” she said, clucking her tongue at him. "Last time you called you were going to  _ speak _ to David," she said. 

David looked at Matteo, who shook his head and refused to explain what she'd said. He smirked though, inferring what was being said from the teasing tone in her voice. 

“Nonna hi this is David,” Matteo said, gesturing to David who waved shyly. 

“Yes I had assumed, he is very handsome Matteo,” she said. 

“Er… he doesn't speak Italian so I don't really know… this was a dumb idea I just wanted to introduce you," Matteo said, ducking his head.

As usual, he hadn't thought this through at all.

“Everything ok?” David asked softly.

Matteo just shrugged.

“This is stupid,” he mumbled.

“Well you'll just have to translate. Your grandfather spoke English but I never learnt, all the German I know is from your mother before you were even born,” she said.

“I went to see her,” Matteo said, almost forgetting David at the mention of his mother. 

But he didn’t mind just sat patiently as they chatted. He knew the call was for them to catch up, that was more important. 

“I know she called me, she's been keeping me up to date,” his grandmother told him.

“I thought that was Hans and Jonas,” Matteo said.

He was confused. 

“And how would we speak? They've been providing your mama with updates and she's been keeping me informed, she sounds so well Matteo, I’m so pleased.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“But we’re being rude so,  _ hello David _ ,” she said.

“Er... ciao?” David said, nervously.

Matteo giggled and his grandmother grinned at them.

“What that was right? Ciao is hello, I know that much,” David said affronted.

Matteo just smiled, his boyfriend was so sweet.

“Yeah it was right but it sounded funny say something else,” Matteo said.

“No I don't know anything that's literally it,” David huffed.

He shoved at him and Matteo pushed back then settled against him. 

“Tell David it's nice to put a name to a face and that he's even more handsome than you described,” she said.

Matteo nodded.

“Nonna says it's nice to meet you,” he said. 

“Oh er... thanks-”

“I know you didn't say enough words tell him what I said,” his grandmother said.

“She also said you're very handsome, more handsome than I told her,” Matteo said. 

David blushed as bright as Matteo and beamed at him. 

“Oh Matteo the way he looks at you, how could you ever doubt that he loves you?” his grandmother asked. 

“Nonna,” he whispered. 

“What did she say?”

“That you love me, that it's obvious,” he explained. 

“I do, I do,” David said, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

“So when are you coming to visit? And you should bring David, I want to meet him properly," she suggested. 

“I don't know if he'd want to,” Matteo said, but he slipped up, said it in German.

“Want to what?” David asked, frowning. 

“Shit I…”

It was hard, keeping up both halves of the conversation. 

“Are you caught Matteo?” his grandmother asked, seeming to have guessed what he’d said. 

“She wants me to visit. I mean I wasn’t going to go back until Christmas time and maybe take mama if she feels well. But er… nonna wants you to come too. It's fine but you're probably busy anyway and it's too soon, she's just being…”

“I would love to come Matteo I really would, but I don't want to leave Laura at Christmas,” he said. 

“Well she could come too, I mean if she wanted to,” Matteo offered.

“Really?”

“Yeah of course,” Matteo said. 

“Shouldn't you ask?” David asked. 

He was so polite. Matteo grinned, his grandmother didn't expect people to ask to visit they just showed up and she accommodated them. And she loved it. She got a bit lonely on the farm, she deserved a big family. She would absolutely love it if they all visited. 

“Nonna I wanted to come at Christmas and bring mama is that ok?”

“Of course I would love to see Julia again,” she said.

“And David wants to come but he lives with his sister and doesn't want to leave her alone at Christmas could she come too?”

“Of course Matteo the more the merrier, oh it will be wonderful to have a full house again,” she said, smiling at the pair of them.

“And papa won't be there?” 

“I doubt it but if he is I’ll handle it. Tell David he and his sister are very welcome,” she said.

“She says Laura is welcome to come with,” Matteo said.

“Ok I'll ask her,” David said.

"It's not too soon?" Matteo asked. 

He still felt like he was pressuring David into all this. That he wasn't giving him a choice, that he was only here because of guilt. But David knew this, knew his thoughts, and soothed them with a gentle hand across his face, smoothing away the worry lines. 

"No Matteo it's not too soon, I want to meet your grandma and your mother too, I want this, I'm all in," he promised. 

Matteo lost his train of thought for a moment due to the way David was holding him now, so tenderly that his breath caught in his throat. 

"Ok that's… they're really kind and not scary," he said eventually, trying to assure David. 

He didn't want David to think of this as some big deal, some stupid meet the parents where they asked him tons of questions and made everyone just generally uncomfortable. 

"I know Matteo. They couldn't be anything else, because you're the kindest, least scary boy I know," David said. 

Matteo flushed dark red. 

"Ok," he whispered. 

"Oh to be young and in love," his grandmother said fondly. 

Matteo didn't answer just kept staring at David, overwhelmed. David just smiled back at him, stroking his fingers along Matteo's arms. Making him shiver. 

"If David doesn't mind I'd like to speak to you a bit more," his grandmother said after a moment. 

"Do you want him to leave?" Matteo asked, not sure if he could handle that right now. 

"No, no, I just don't want him to think I'm being rude ignoring him," she explained. 

"Oh ok," he said. 

He turned to David. 

"She wants to speak to me and doesn't want to come across rude," he told him. 

"That's fine I don't mind," David said laying back against the pillows. 

Matteo stayed sitting, missing David's warmth. David grabbed his own phone again but wrapped his free arm around Matteo's waist, pressing them together. Matteo relaxed into the touch. 

"How are you doing Matteo?" his grandmother asked when she had his attention again. 

"Ok," he said. 

"You've had a difficult month," his grandmother. 

Difficult was an understatement, but his grandmother wasn't one for dramatic language. 

"Yeah but I really do feel… better," he said. 

He still hated saying better, to him, it implied he was healed, that his depression was gone. That he was fine now. Like he'd gotten over a cold or something. 

But he was doing  _ better _ he supposed, better than last week. 

"I… sorted things with mama, and with Jonas and Hanna. I apologised to Sara for leading her on. I sorted things with David, and no one was angry with me, not even Hanna and Jonas," he told her. 

She nodded. 

"You've been holding onto a lot of guilt Matteo," she said. 

He nodded and swallowed hard. He’d always been a guilty kid, even when things weren’t his fault he’d blamed himself. He remembered being at Jonas’ one time and he broke a cup. He’d cried and said sorry so much that Jonas’ mother had been afraid. She’d sat him down and told him that he didn’t need to apologise so much. But he couldn’t help it. He’d been taught it by watching his parents, learning how to keep the peace. It was ingrained in him from such a young age that it was likely never going to go away. But he would try, at least he could learn to manage it and not let it take over him. Not let it stop him.

“It's been stopping me making progress. As soon as I got back it hit me and it stopped me letting people help me,” he said.

“You push people away,” she said.

“Yes and they wanted to help me because they care about me,” Matteo said.

And he did know that, deep down, he just had to keep reminding himself of it.

“Yes Matteo so many people care about you,” she insisted.

“But I couldn't see it, because I felt so guilty for everything,” he said.

She nodded.

“And now?”

“Now I... it's still hard to let them help… but David explained it like… he… he has stuff he deals with right?” he said, being deliberately vague.

David looked up from him and smiled at the mention of his name.

“Everyone has their own stuff,” his grandmother agreed. 

“Yeah and he said... well, would I just leave if he was having problems? And I was like, of course not. It was obvious. And then I realised he was making a choice to stay and care for me and I should respect that. That he can make his own choices, he understands what he's getting into and he still wants to stay nonna,” Matteo said.

She smiled so wide at him, so happy for him. Her eyes were shining.

“Of course he does,” she said.

“And it's still hard because my problems come with this voice in my head that tells me I'm ruining everyone's lives. Sometimes I can ignore it and sometimes it can't. But David, and mama and Jonas and everybody else is so much louder and they get through, they have to keep trying but they get through.

His grandmother was crying now, but so was Matteo. It was the relief. 

“Oh Matteo I'm so glad you're ok, you're going to be okay,” she said through her tears.

“I am,” he whispered.

She wiped her eyes and sniffed loudly.

“Right I'll let you get back to your man. Ciao David,” she said with a weak smile.

Matteo looked at him, he was watching Matteo worriedly, but hadn’t interrupted, just squeezed him tighter.

He sat up when he heard her say his name.

“Er… Ciao nonna,” he said blushing again. 

Matteo laughed and smiled fondly at him.

“Ciao nonna,” he said.

“Ciao my angel,” she said warmly.

“So all ok?” David asked, when she’d gone.

He reached out and wiped away Matteo’s tears.

Matteo nodded and leant back, sighing when David tossed his phone aside and immediately wrapped his arms around him fully.

“Yeah I'm good, I just told her that I'd resolved a lot of issues I'd left behind when I left,” Matteo explained.

“Yeah?” David asked, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“And now I want to move forward. I need to stop fixating on the past,” Matteo said.

“Follow your own advice?”

“Exactly,” he agreed.

“So Italy?”

It was so stupid, he knew it was too soon, but he desperately wanted to take David to his grandmother’s house. It was the place he’d found peace and he wanted to share it with him. It was important to him that his mother went too, she’d spent a lot of time there before he was born, and she’d loved it. He hoped she would again.

“It’s not till Christmas, is it ok? You don't have to,” Matteo said.

He was half convinced David was just being polite while his grandmother had been on the phone.

“I want to, but I'm gonna have to meet your mama first,” David said.

And there was that too. Meeting the parents. He’d told his mother over the phone, when she’d called him concerned over who was taking care of him. She’d been so happy for him. And she wanted David to come over with Matteo the next time he visited.

“Oh yeah she's pretty excited to meet you,” Matteo mumbled.

“You telling all your family about me huh?”

“I told nonna when I was staying with her, because… because I missed you. I told mama the other day because she needed to know who was looking after me, I told her about you,” he admitted.

“That’s good,” David said. “I guess you should come and see Laura, she misses you,” he said.

That didn’t really make any sense.

“You don’t sound sure,” Matteo said.

“No she does it’s just… she’ll definitely embarrass me when you do come over," David said. 

“But why? She doesn’t miss me," Matteo argued. 

“Ok not miss you but she wants you to come over, she likes you,” David said.

Matteo frowned. Laura didn't’ really know him, and he’d gotten the distinct impression that she didn’t like him at all. Based on the last time they spoke.

“Why?”

“She thinks you’re sweet. Also I’ve been talking about you a lot recently, so I think she's just glad you're back she doesn't have to deal with me,” David said with a grin.

“You’re going to stop talking about me then?” Matteo asked. 

“No I’ll talk about you twice as much but at least it’s not pining,” David said.

“And this… like we're not going too fast right? Like shouldn’t we wait a while before we’re meeting families and that?” Matteo asked.

“One, there are no laws or official rules on this. You just do what feels right. I want to meet your mum, because she is so important to you, I want you to come over and hang out with me and Laura, because she really is very fond of you, I mean based on all my ramblings and the few times she met you,” David clarified

“When she was shutting the door in my face you mean?”

“I made her do that and she felt awful about it, honestly Laura hates being mean to anyone. she had a go at me right after, told me never to make her do that again, told me I had to deal with my own problems,” David said.

That still made no sense, why would she care?

“What?”

“She was protecting me and she would do it again if she had to, no matter what she said. But she really doesn’t like upsetting people. And I think she was worried too, she er…”

“What?”

“She kinda... I don’t know if it’s the way I talk about you, or just what she’s observed, but she kinda sees you as I don’t know like… she said you looked like you needed someone to protect you,” David explained, looking at Matteo worriedly, as if he might be crossing a line.

What did everyone see in him that made them think he was some weak child? He thought he’d put up a good front, for years now. Terrified of anyone realising what was really going on at home. Because if a teacher found out, if Jonas’ mother found out. Then they’d call social services and he would be taken away. And his mother would be left alone.

“It’s not… she doesn’t mean anything by it, but she volunteers weekends to help at risk kids,” David explained.

“Fuck sakes,” Matteo muttered, because of course she did.

He dropped his head into his hands. He couldn’t help it, the idea of Laura seeing right through him terrified him. Best case scenario was that she was just that perceptive. Worst case? He hadn’t been any good at hiding anything and no one had cared enough to help him.

He shrugged away from David.

“No Matteo it’s not a bad thing,” David insisted, getting up on his knees so that he could crouch in front of Matteo.

“Oh that your sister thinks I’m some head case or abuse victim? I’m not!” he snapped.

He knew he was overreacting, but he felt panicky and stressed.

“Stop it Matteo,” David said firmly, placing his hands on Matteo’s shoulders. “She doesn't think anything like that. She would never ok? She just thought you looked sad, and you did, you know you did. She thought that maybe you might be a little more vulnerable than you were allowing others to see. She notices people ok? She’s the most caring person I know,” he said.

“Fuck it,” Matteo muttered again, still shaking slightly, but not pulling away from David. 

“Matteo it’s ok,” David said gently. “What’s wrong?”

“Sorry I just, I don’t like it,” Matteo muttered.

“What?”

“What she’s implying,” he said. 

“She’s not implying anything,” David insisted.

“I’m not vulnerable,” Matteo said.

“You… everyone is vulnerable sometimes Matteo,” he said.

“I’m not and I don’t want her to treat me like… like I’m some kind of victim ok? You know what? Yeah my childhood was shit, so were lots of people’s, but it’s over now,” he said.

He needed to calm down, he was overreacting. 

“Matteo you’ve misunderstood me, shit, come here please,” David said.

Matteo allowed David to pull him closer.

“I’m sorry, I’m being defensive,” he murmured.

“It’s ok,” David said.

“I… for a long time I had to pretend everything was ok, when it really wasn’t because if anyone found out then it would have been so much worse,” Matteo explained.

“Matteo…”

“They would’ve taken me away David. Put me in care, papa just wasn't around much. In the end, it was just me and mama, I had to take care of her,” he said.

“Matteo…”

“I didn’t mind,” Matteo insisted.

“I know,” David whispered.

“But it was hard and just, I hate the idea that she took one look at me and figured all that out, assumed I was some victim of child neglect,” he said.

Even though it was true.

“Honestly? This is all Laura said when I got home from that party, the one at your apartment?”

Matteo nodded.

“She said didn’t I want to stay over with my sad boyfriend with the puppy eyes?” David said.

“Shut up she didn’t,” Matteo muttered.

“She did and I asked her what she meant,” David said.  “And all she said was that you seemed sad, you painted on barely a smile. But when you thought no one was looking all that fell away. She never said anything else, she just… she’s very protective of me. And she knows how I feel about you so she’s becoming protective of you too, but she didn’t say that till later. I told her what happened. I had to. I had to talk about it, and she just told me to look after you that’s all,” David said.

“Oh.”

“Would you still come over? I can warn her… not to be overbearing,” David said.

“It’s kinda nice I guess, having people want to take care of me. But it’s so hard, because no one has for such a long time, so it’s just hard to imagine why. It’s so hard to let people help because I was so afraid of anyone knowing anything was wrong. But I'm trying,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

“And I guess we have to do this double date with Sara and Leonie,” Matteo said.

“We absolutely do not. But we should hang out all four of us,” David suggested

“That’d be nice,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?” 

David raised an eyebrow, surprised. He obviously hadn't expected Matteo to agree so easily.

“Yeah. They er… a few weeks ago they walked with me to my mama’s house, I was panicking and Leonie just talked me through it. It really helped. It’s... I always expect people to look at me differently but they didn’t. At all. They understood why I was nervous and they helped,” Matteo explained.

David nodded.

“On the phone, I talked about guilt with nonna,” Matteo said.

“Yeah?”

“And with Jonas too, he said something like I have such a complex relationship with guilt, and it got me thinking,” he said.

“Hm?” 

“For a long time, I’ve thought everything was my fault, right? I thought it must be because of me. Like my mama being sick, papa leaving, everything between Jonas and Hanna, you wanting nothing to do with me, what I did, but it’s not. Like even the things I had a part in, it wasn’t entirely my fault. I still think like that now, it’s automatic. But I can’t keep hold of this guilt because it will kill me David,” he said.

David just nodded, reaching out and taking his hand, running his thumb over Matteo’s wrist. Matteo shuddered but pushed on.

“I don’t know yet how to let it go. It’s not as easy as just, fine ok I won’t feel guilty about it anymore,” Matteo said.

“But like you said these things weren’t your fault, so if you can understand them, figure them out it will help right?”

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Oh but…”

“Yeah,” Matteo agreed.

“You’ll have to talk to your dad?” David asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“You don’t much do you?” David asked, genuinely curious.

“Every now and then, he’s not horrible or anything. He just he doesn’t really care about me? He never wanted a kid I guess. He only married my mama because she was pregnant, he told me once when he was in a bad mood,” Matteo said.

“That’s awful, and that makes him horrible Matteo, he never should’ve said that to you,” David said.

“I guess. It doesn’t matter anyway, mama loves me twice as much and I have nonna. I think I need to hear him out and then effectively put a line under it,” Matteo said.

“Yeah. Or you could... I haven’t spoken to my parents in years but I… I wrote them a letter once, got all my thoughts down. I have no idea if they even read it, but… it helped,” David said.

Matteo glanced at him, there was a faraway expression on his face as he remembered his own past.

“Oh, that’s… that’s a good idea,” he said.

That would be so much easier, if he wrote it all down, his father wouldn’t be able to interrupt him, make jokes, and shrug him off. He would be able to get his whole point across.

“You’re going to be ok Matteo,” David insisted.

He felt as if he was healing, all the pain of the past, not gone, it would never go, but it could fade. He had a long way to go and there were still things he needed to deal with. Like his father. But he could do it.

Matteo had told Jonas he hated when he asked if he was better, because he was never getting better. Or so he thought. He thought he would feel that way forever. But maybe he didn't have to. Maybe he could get better.

Not in the way Jonas meant. He would always have this, always have to deal with it, and be aware of it. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have a good life. It didn’t mean that it wouldn’t get easier. Look how far he’d come already from that terrified boy on his grandmother’s farm. He never thought he could be here right now. 

It didn’t mean his ok days had to be just that. Ok. He could have good days. He could have great days. Right now was a good day, just sitting in bed with David, his boyfriend, nothing to do, nowhere to go, just being with him. That was good. He wasn’t alone, he hadn’t ever been alone, he’d just felt like it. David, Hans, his mother and his friends all loved him so much. He would never be alone, they would never leave him. He didn’t need to worry about that anymore. He could just live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and it's done and I'm sad, I didn't want to let it go, but I had to in order to share it!  
But I love this verse and this story so much and want others to. So please enjoy, let me know what you think, all the comments and kudos truly make my day. 
> 
> This is finished, for now, I have a lot (A LOT) of work to do on my nano fic, but… I'm pretty much off work the entirety of December so hopefully, I'll be able to write a little Christmas fic, if people want. I'm thinking one for this verse and one for the _this bed feels cold_ verse! and then my nano fic should be ready to go. 
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


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